TW (Maybe?) Depression, Sick Parent, Sadness

I don't write a lot, if any, personal things on here, and I won't go into a lot of details, but I'm just having a really rough time right now.

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I've have some health issues, that are rearing their head. And my main way to cope is to avoid, just avoid everything: people, places, things, responsibilities. (My other way to cope is to refresh GT every other minute, I can't be the only one with this coping skill can I? I bet not!) Other coping skills include watching too many Youtube beauty videos and binging on Fringe.

I have a very ill, terminal parent, who I have a lot of anger toward and am not in contact with, that I'm trying to work through before said parent passes away. (I live about 5k miles away from my family).

I'm late paying Dec rent, and not because I don't have the money, but because I just couldn't...that might not make sense, but I shut down. Why, why do I do this shit :(

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I do have pretty severe depression, and have a wonderful treatment team, that handles both my mental and physical illnesses, but I feel even them are struggling on how to help me going forward.

I am just so sad. And upset with myself. I feel like I fall into patterns that I can't seem to change, no matter how much therapy or how much I try to to make real changes in how I deal. It makes it worse because I'm pretty self aware, so I beat myself up for knowing what to do and not being able to do it.

I also come across as very put together, if you met me or saw me, you'd have no idea that I was struggling. I put on a smile, laugh, joke, and it's not because I want to convince people I'm fine. It's because I feel fear at allowing myself to express my own feelings in anyway, besides writing or art.

That's all. This post may self destruct.

I wish I could get a real physical hug (too bad I know hardly anyone where I live who isn't a coworkers). But you know the type, where you can cry and be messy, and someone just loves on you.

Thanks, GT, for listening <3

ETA: I just tried to use my debit card to order some dinner, it was declined, so I called customer service, and they put a block on it because I had TOO MANY RETURNS from Sephora?! (I did return several items to Sephora yesterday, and the woman refunded each one separately.) On hold now, as they "validate my purchases from Sephora for Nov & Dec. Really, I can't win today. First time I've even wanted to eat all day. I may just give up and go to bed. Ugh, I know I'm being very pity party and first world. Feel free to give me a kick in the ass instead of a hug if you think that's what I need. Supposedly they are going to remove the block after reviewing purchases and returns, I guess for fraud? Not sure... But I was very nice to the CS rep, I know how not fun their job can be, so that's a win right? :/