I just wanted to reach out here. I know a lot of us GTers are struggling through this sort of thing right now and honestly it gives me some relief knowing it's not just me. I'm hurting pretty bad right now.
I usually love christmas, but nothing really feels fun or good to me right now. I'm upset about my family stuff, with my aunt and my dad's side of the family, still. Part of me thinks I should just be over it by now, but it really sucks knowing that the people who are supposed to have my back through tough times are painting me out to be a horrible fucking human being, not worth even checking in with to hear my side of the story. All this in spite of the fact that they weren't ever really there for me at all, I still hurt over the loss of those connections. Even though they weren't incredibly deep or supportive, and I had to shoulder all of the weight of keeping them up.
I'm worried about money. I spent a little bit, like less than $30, on gifts for other people, because I did want to, but I also felt obligated. I would dread the shame and judgment from my family that I will be seeing over the holidays, if I showed up to Christmas with no presents for people. I also bought myself a sweater, which I feel intensely guilty about, despite the fact that most of my others are ragged.
I need to look for a job over christmas break, but I'm terrified about it, mainly due to the fact that a. My credit is shitty and I'm scared it will show up on background checks that employers do and count me out as a candidate. (Same thing with getting an apartment) and b. the market is bad, and it seems like NO ONE wants to be flexible with college students.
I'm worried that I'm a burden on my roommate right now. I have talked to her about my situation and she's told me I can stay here until either A. I find a job and can put money on my own place or B. my financial aid goes through. I JUST finished my application for FAFSA. I owed my old university money, so they wouldn't release my records, which I needed to have to be considered for financial aid at my new school. With my tooth drama and repairs I needed on my car it took me awhile to be able to pay them back, but I got it all done yesterday and got my transcript. I'll turn in all the forms on Monday, but god knows how long it will take them to get everything through now. I hate that I don't have a date in mind of when this will get resolved. I try to do my best to keep the house looking nice, I take care of her cats, and run the occasional small errand for her. She knows I have had a rough few months, but I cannot shake this incredibly irrational fear that she can't stand having me here and will ask me to leave.
A few of my grades are back. I got an A in French, an A in English, and if I managed at least a B on my final for Women's Studies I will have gotten an A there as well. My government professor emailed me back, however, and she's making it sound like my C was non-negotiable, despite making earlier promises to me that she'd let me make up assignments that I missed while I was moving. Even if that's the case, my GPA would still be a 3.54. That's good enough to qualify for transfer admission at UT and other good schools. I feel like I should be able to celebrate and feel happy that I even fucking made it through this semester while being technically homeless for 2 months but all I can think is "why didn't you get all A's, or at least 3 A's and a B like you thought you had? It's not good enough. You have to prove that you're better than you used to be. You dropped the ball. You suck."
And in general I am just lonely as fuck. I just wish I had someone to hold me at night while I get through this shitty season of life, but I don't think I have any business dating right now, not that I even have any fucking prospects if I wanted to. I see my friends who have husbands or supportive boyfriends to come home to, or families that love and support them unconditionally, and it's like a kick in the stomach. every. time.
I just want to snap out of it. I wish there was a switch I could flip and be excited and hopeful about life again. I want to go back to my old therapist but there is no way in fucking hell I can afford it until I find a job. I'm sick of doing this to myself, beating myself over the head with my every shortcoming and worrying myself into a nervous breakdown. My back and shoulders feel like twisted steel from carrying so much emotional pain and stress in them and every step feels like I have a 50lb weight strapped to each foot. So sick of this.