Psychiatrist today. I told her I hadn't really been taking the Klonopin regularly because of how tired it makes me. She's giving me small prescriptions until we figure out what is going to work best. I told her I feel a lot less depressed (not perfect all the time but so, so much better) but my anxiety has almost seemed to get worse. I will deal with the peep if I'm alone with her but if the big bird is there too? I make him deal with her. I can hardly remember the last time I changed a diaper. I've put her to bed exactly twice in the last month. I will hug her and cuddle her but I'm terrified at being responsible for her and failing at it. I told the psychiatrist all this. So we're upping my prozac again to 80mg and adding buspar. I'm also getting some ativan for as needed.
She wanted to see me in 6 weeks. They can't get me in until mid-April. Of course they'll put me on the cancellation list and I'm supposed to call to check in on how the meds are doing in about a week but damn if that isn't disheartening. I see my therapist next week. Not really looking forward to it because she hasn't really been doing it for me. I think I'll actually write down what I want to say to her so I don't blank out and say I'm okay instead.
In non depression news. The peep loves sweet potatoes, carrots, and bananas so far. Peas are another story. She's not outright rejecting them but they are not her favorite. We alternated with spoonfuls of sweet potato and she ate it just fine then. Squash will be tomorrow and then we have to pick another fruit. I'm not sure if I want to do apple, pear, or peach? It's so exciting. We also got mango (is it weird that we kind of want to eat the mango's ourselves? Baby food isn't bad). Also the peep's labial adhesion has cleared up. $150 for a huge tube of estrogen cream and we ended up using a half dollar's worth. I guess we'll have some if it closes up again but fuck that sucks.
I officially started supervising interns this week. It really hasn't been much different except I touch base with them more often and I have to review their work logs. My performance review was today and it was glowing. I was pretty shocked because a) maternity leave and b) postpartum depression. I haven't been working at my normal output but I will admit it's still better than average. I feel like I'm coasting a bit on my reputation but at this point I'll fucking take it. My husband seems to think my employer is trying to keep me around which may be true. My career has moved forward more in the time I've been pregnant and got back from mat leave than it has the whole 3 years I'd been there before. It's a good feeling so I'm trying not to feel like a fraud. Next week I'll officially report to my new supervisor so I need to sit down with her and have the PPD talk. It sucks I have to do it again and this time face to face since she's at my office unlike my old supervisor.
And I just wanted to tell you that I love you guys so much. The outpouring of support and encouragement I got from you was amazing. You guys really know what to say when I'm doubting myself. So thank you!
ETA: How could I forget? My Lelo Lily came today! Just waiting for that sucker to charge (and warm up it was sitting outside in 10F weather). Thanks NYCyclist for the suggestion. :-)