My bags are ready to be packed, y'all!
As you know, Paula Deen is about to set sail for what can only be described as "The Greatest Cruise of All Time." Obviously, Jezebel and the Jez community needs to be part of this historic, beautiful event. I am here today to launch my campaign to be the person sent to cover this most important news story.
Reasons Why Gawker Media Should Send Me To Cover The Paula Deen Cruise
1. I love me some butter.
2. I have finely tuned survival skills: Should the cruise breakdown into some sort of epic poo-magedon on the high seas, I have seen basically every Roland Emmerich film and am therefor well-versed in how to survive and live to tell the heroic tale.
3. I am basically a buffet expert. Look, everyone knows cruises have the best buffets. And people think that you can just grab a plate, walk up to a buffet and start slapping stuff on, willy-nilly. That is amateur shit, people. You have to know things, OK? Sound hard? It. Is. That is why you need a professional, OK?
4. I am also a white Southern lady: I should therefor be able to blend seemlessly in with the many other white Southern and non-Southern ladies who read a lot of Southern Living Magazine who will likely be on this cruise.
5. I do have a journalism background: I would be able to tell this story with the utmost professionalism. While I have not personally worked the cruise beat or the racist celebrity news beat, I have won awards for Internet investigation and blog commenting. I also spell about 93.7 percent of my words correctly.
Please forward this to Mr. Nick Denton and tell him that there is clearly no other choice but me and we need to make this happen!
SEND BURT REYNOLDS IS MY SPIRIT GUIDE TO THE PAULA DEEN CRUISE