I stayed in an AirBnB for my brother’s wedding last weekend, it was mediocre. I stayed in an AirBnB for a week in Seattle a few months back, that experience was AWFUL. I have booked and will be staying in an AirBnB in the California desert in about a month.

This is unfortunate because it turns out that I hate AirBnB with the power of a thousand suns. Everything about it bugs me, let me count the ways:

  1. It fucks up rent prices for normal people who live in areas with any kind of tourism trade. (Hello, this is me, I live in a tourist area.)
  2. It fucks up housing prices because wealthy investors buy up properties as tourism rentals.
  3. Racism. (Hi AirBnB hosts who don’t like the name ‘Lopez’.)
  4. The whole culture of AirBnB—the “gig economy” of it, the reviews, the micro-business, is garbage. I hate all these people. HATE THEM.

I will now extrapolate on point number four with lots of swears.

I happen to have a real ‘micro-business’ ... it’s called freelancing. Renting out my house would not be a micro-business. It would definitely not make me the owner of a “small hotel/atelier”.

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If a person is using AirBnB the old fashioned way—by which I mean letting people couch surf in exchange for weed money—then fine, make your guests take out the trash. But if you are charging the same prices as a 4-star hotel, I expect you to handle the trash. In fact, if you are charging the same prices as a 3-star (not even 4-star, we just downgraded) I expect you, as the host, to provide me with fresh linens, take out my garbage, and make the bed.

I don’t owe you shit because I just paid $220 for a night in a QUEEN BED with a mattress obviously bought for sale on Amazon in a granny unit with horrible fucking wifi.

Guess what else I don’t owe you, AirBnB Host. That’s right, a good review. OR ANY REVIEW AT ALL. Look at these garbage babies grumbling about how their guests owe them reviews: Guests who do not bother to submit a review. The system needs to be changed in favor of the host! 

Guests who do not bother to review should have their review by their host cancelled on `cutt-off` day 14. It is unfair that hard working hosts are deprived of reviews and a guest who has been too lazy to submit their review should end up with a nice `inbox` full of reviews. PLEASE Aibnb change this! I have noticed that contact phone numbers of guests are now immediately removed upon check-out so it is impossible to send a guest a reminder about sumbitting their review when day 14 looms!

Should post automatically to the guest’s wall: “Guest didn’t leave a review” just like it does with cancelation to alert future hosts, and automatically give host a 5-star, since as they say, we are more likely to leave a review when we have a bad experience!

It definitely gets frustrating. The guests do not mind munching away on FREE chips, cookies, chocolates, drinking FREE milk, coffee, tea, enjoying FREE netflix, etc...but cannot be assed to even spend 2 minutes leaving a review.

That last one grinds my gears—hey asshole, THE COOKIES AND THE MILK AND THE COFFEE AND THE NETFLIX? THEY’RE NOT FREE. They are complimentary (assuming you leave them out for your guests) and they are part of the rate the guest has paid. I worked, briefly, for a hotel back when I was in college and that hotel put out fresh baked cookies from their bakery every single night for their guests in the lobby. They also provided a free wine tasting, with cheese, on weekends and free coffee and tea 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Was that shit really free? NO. No it was not. It cost the guests money in the form of the rate they paid the hotel. They could stay at a cheaper place, but then no warm-from-the-oven cookies.

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If you use shit like that to make your guests happy, then that’s just the cost of doing business. Complaining about it is like if I were to complain about having to buy the printouts and mockups I make for clients. Is that printout $50? Yep. Does the client care? Nope. (They already threw it away.) You buy what you need to get your shit done right. No one owes you anything except the rate you charge.

Newsflash: chances are that if I didn’t review you, as I didn’t review my first host, it was because my stay was so horrible it almost turned me off the entire city. You didn’t have wifi (even though the listing said you did, it was “broken” and you “getting it looked at” doesn’t help), one bathroom was literally under construction, when we walked in the whole house smelled like wet paint and all the windows were open (so of course you knew), it was ‘frat boy’ clean, there was no parking, there was a spider colony in the shower, and yes, once again, WE WERE SUPPOSED TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE. The upstairs beds were so cold (no heater) that we spent the whole week sleeping on the couch bed downstairs. No bueno, motherfucker.

How much was this delightful stay listed at, you ask? $250/night.

I could have given this host a bad review but for reasons that are doxxy I chose not to. (It boils down to pity and the genuine hope that property improves immensely in the future.)

So the question is, why do I use AirBnB at all? In the case of the first example detailed above, it was my first time using the service. In the case of the second, there were no hotels actually in the quaint town where my brother had his wedding. In the case of the third, we’re staying with a larger family group.

The moral of this rant is, suck it up, AirBnB hosts. If you’re going to insist on referring to your property as a business and charge rates commensurate with proper hotels (that have to pay real taxes, another major issue), then you need to get on that customer service train. Is the customer always right? Definitely not. But you still aren’t doing them a favor by renting your property to them.