I had to go for pre-op testing and education. I woke up with a migraine, so I was already in extra sensitive mode. Not to mention in pain.

I was hanging in there until the nice lady started reading the you understand and consent to permanent sterilization as the outcome of this procedure form. Then, I lost it. And crying just made my head pound more. And I couldn't relax for the EKG. And the blood draw hurt. And my head felt like it was going to explode.

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WTH is wrong with me though? I have 3 wonderful, gorgeous, healthy children. Umdude and I did want to have one more, but my health issues aren't going to allow that to be. Unless I want to risk my and potential child's lives. I need to be here for the children I already have, not fretting about the one who will never be.

I don't know how to buck up, get over it, just be thankful for what I have. At least not in the moment. In the moment it feels like I'm being punished for something. I mean, I'm FINALLY with a man who I would have more than one child with, and my body goes sideways on me.

I feel a little broken. And while I understand rationally that having this surgery is going to improve my quality of life, and keep me from having cervical cancer, I'm still mourning.

Thanks for listening.