And only a little bit my normal awkward self.

I suck at small talk. Like, am painfully bad at it. I'm just not sure what to say, and yet I always feel this compulsion to speak whenever I am alone with someone familiar. Usually this results in me just commenting on whatever the person is doing, causing said person to look at me as though I am a raging idiot or on drugs. For example, I walked into a room yesterday where my coworker was sitting down to eat her lunch (which she had just told me she was going to do a minute ago). She looked up at me as I entered.

Me: ...Oh, are you eating lunch?

Coworker: ...Yes.

Me: ...Oh, is that potato salad?

Coworker: ..Yes.

Me: Cool. I like potatoes.

I HAVE NO DEFINITIVE FEELINGS TOWARDS POTATOES, YOU GUYS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS SAYING.

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My anxiety and general uneasiness, really, in social settings is what prevents me from joining clubs at uni, going out to lunch with coworkers, and even going to GT meetups. My mind is racing and usually the result is word vomit to which no one really knows how to respond. And then it's just uncomfortable, and I feel guilty for making it uncomfortable.

BUT! Today I had an exam and I was walking into the room ten minutes late and this super super super hot examiner approached and asked me if I was in the right room for my course. I nodded. He said he'd wait for me to get my stuff and he'd lead me to a free seat. I turned to grab my pencil case (which is full of like twelve pencils because who doesn't have that weird paranoia?) and accidentally spilled them all over the ground. I looked up at him from where I was crouched next to my purse and said, "I don't suppose you want a pencil, do you?" *LAME JOKE I KNOW* But he laughed and helped me up and I didn't flinch or shuffle away once! I even made eye contact!!

Idk, I'm super proud of myself. Usually attractive people make me want to run for the hills but I was pretty composed. Maybe I was already in the zone for my test, who knows?

anyways, /rant.