Background: I have a 2 week old newborn. I’ve not been able to eat normally for about 10 months now because I had HG. Food postpartum is really important to me. I have various food allergies and don’t eat pork. Bockhusband’s family is for some reason obsessed with pork products and nuts and at every holiday insists that we eat all of the above despite me not being able to keep down pork and having anaphylactic reactions to nuts.

Problem: This year, my in laws promised us they would have food I can eat. Every year they promise this and then make ham with a side of ham and go “oops”. Being a good cook, I usually turn up with a big dish, booze, and dessert so that I can eat SOMETHING and not feel like a freak. This year, though, I did not have this luxury. I was informed “no one wants to eat what mom is cooking” by my husband’s siblings (who are all childfree and don’t get the whole baby thing) and “so can you bring another main we will eat?” Yeah, let me just whip that the fuck up with a 17 day old fucking baby. Sure. I’m not supposed to be doing that but I’ve already made one large meal for your family one week postpartum (long story but it was a nightmare and the minute they left, I broke down sobbing for 2 hours) so why the fuck not? Husband tells me “it’s fine, mom said she’s making beef, too”. Yeah, I trust this not at all but I have no choice. They invited my family visiting from out of state. We HAVE to go. I don’t want to be rude. I offer to bring a chicken breast to eat just to warm up JUST for me in case it’s too much to make something else. No, no, I’m told, it will be fine.

We get there. I’ve had basically a couple turkey sausages that morning. I bring beignets that I made fresh this morning in between cooking my husband breakfast, feeding the baby, and changing her. I literally had no time to drink a hot cup of fucking coffee. My sausage got cold and I didn’t finish them. I’m fucking exhausted but I put on a full face of makeup, do my hair and I look fantastic for having just had a baby a few weeks ago. We get there. No one tells us there is no food for me to eat. No one thinks to pull me aside and say “hey there is no roast” so I look like a fucking asshat showing up there unprepared. I can literally eat... rolls. And the beignets. I watch people drink the booze I bought but STILL can’t drink because I’m not eating. I watch people all eat in front of me. I don’t get to eat. I stay there with my husband and the baby for another 3 hours. My parents leave on their own. I still can’t leave. My husband tries to get us packed up to leave. Meanwhile I haven’t even been able to pee because there are like 5 dogs, no one reliably is holding this damn baby for me, and I need to fucking pee but can’t impolitely say “I need to fucking pee”. I finally get to pee and we leave and I break down CRYING in the car.

Next year, husband says we won’t go. But I think this is bad. Husband was previously married to a woman who was outwardly hostile to his family and now just tries to swindle his senior parents out of money while not adhering to the parenting plan or allowing for my husband to take an active role in parenting despite claiming he’s a deadbeat and upsetting them. They cater to her every whim, afraid she will cut them off from the kids. So I don’t want people in his family to think I’m that way. Especially when it’s incredibly clear that I’m the reason we aren’t going. But going again will make me feel so incredibly bad about myself. How is it that his awful ex wife has her every whim catered to and they don’t even like her supposedly but they refuse to even feed me food I can eat?

How do I even address this with them in a way that doesn’t make me feel like a doormat? He’s told them I’m really upset and so is he (because they lied and I went 12 hours with NO FOOD at a time my doctors are like, “you need to eat every few hours - at least SOMETHING to build your strength up) and they said “sorry” (to HIM, not me). No one will ever say anything to me. They never do even though this happens EVERY YEAR several times a year. I don’t think they do it to be malicious. They just don’t care enough to remember. They care enough to demand we bring our baby but OMFG if I maybe just want to eat. And do we go to their house for a big occasion ever again or do I just suck it up and make a huge meal for just us at home (my husband cannot cook)?