So I was able to schedule an appointment with a counselor at my school tomorrow, thankfully. I feel like I’m bogged down in thick emotional muck right now. Emotions, memories, and false beliefs about myself have been resurfacing for me that haven’t bothered me in years.
There’s the abandonment fears that I’ve been working really fucking hard to sort through. I lost my father, my aunt who was my surrogate mom, my uncle who was my surrogate dad, and my grandmother before I turned 18. I had a script for a long time that said anyone who I love or depend on will leave me, because I’m not good enough. I know (intellectually) that’s not true now, I have friends who would take a bullet for me and have supported me through all of the hard shit I’m trying to cycle though, but it is fucking terrifying having strong feelings for someone because there’s a voice in me that says it’s going to be ripped away the second I really start to trust. I want to look for every single hint that something could be going wrong so I can prepare myself for impact. To my credit, I have been catching myself. I keep doing my best to be honest with my boyfriend about what’s going on with me without expecting him to fix it. He is doing his part in reassuring me. I just wish it didn’t feel like a torrential hailstorm in me that I have to bust my ass to try to contain every time I get a little insecure or unsure.
Second, he’s had his own past pain come up too. He’s been working through some things in therapy that are pretty heavy duty for him, around his dad and his own abandonment issues. He has communicated with me very clearly so I’m not in the dark while he’s depleted as he does this work. He asked me for a little time and patience while he processes on this, but he has done his best to connect with me, reassure me, make time to come see, listen while I talk about my own stuff, etc. He has straight up said that he’s fighting to stay out of a depressive episode, and that he is lacking in emotional resources, and doesn’t have very much to pour into me or anything else, but that he is doing what he can- adjusting medication, talking to his counselor, etc. and hopes he will offset more serious problems this way. He has been mature and forthright, and hasn’t done anything to make me think this isn’t legitimate for him, and it’s not even like he’s pulled way back from me. But again, there is a voice in me that says this is the same bullshit excuse that every other shady, manipulative, abusive fucker that I was involved with prior to him pulled, and that I’m slowly being abandoned. I know that isn’t rational and it scares me that I have these thoughts.
Then, my dissociative episode last weekend...I’m just so fucking angry about this garbage coming up again. All I want is a fucking normal romantic/sex life. It’s not fair that some spineless shitbag ruined a big piece of that for me when I was 21. My boyfriend was nothing but kind and supportive after it happened, but I felt so ugly and broken. I just want to be past this. It was over 5 years ago.
I’m having nightmares a lot this week and going in to work feels like having my teeth pulled out individually with pliers. I am trying to talk to my friends about it and stay connected to people because I have a huge tendency to isolate when I get like this. I just feel like I’d suck the fun out of a room right now though.
The truth is I just want to tear through all of these walls so I can be truly intimate with someone, whether it’s my current guy or someone in the future. It’s causing me an immense amount of pain at the moment though.