Sometimes I'll be creeping on the mainpage and see someone go "Oh, well it's like NinjaCate says [insert thing I said]" and I literally freaked out for half a second.It wasn't even anything offensive, and I totally still stood by the thing she quoted, but... palpitations. Like, I'm not stupid, so I know that people respect me a lot here, but in my mind I don't really know anything, so to have people use me as a point of reference pushed all my panic buttons. O.o

It's dumb, I know. I've realized kind of, that I think people respect me and my opinions a little more than they should. Like.... I dunno, it's weird. I don't think I'm that smart. I mean, yeah, I'm smart, but I'm not like... an expert or an authority on anything.

I have this irrational fear that one day I'm say the one wrong thing and everyone will hate me. Like, I think people give me a lot of leeway to be snarky here because they respect me, but every time things go that way, I realize I always try to extract myself from the situation just in case I say something stupid and lose all my goodwill.

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Just today two things happened that made me freak. Someone on the mainpage was like "I only stay for NinjaCate and Kyosuke and a few others" and I was flattered, but also TERRIFIED. Like, I didn't realize people were putting that much stock in my words. And then Everything Is Shiny's Macklemore post went up earlier and I saw my name and Macklemore, and immediately I was like OMG THIS WILL BE THE TIME I CAN'T CONTROL THE SHITSTORM, but it turned out to have nothing to do with me so....

I'm kind of rambling, but basically sometimes I feel like any day now the tides will turn and GT will hate/resent me. And I know that's mostly in my head, but yeah... I see my name put up all the time now, and it scares me. I think it's an extension of getting picked on in HS, and always being terrified people were talking about me behind my back. Except, now I can see what they're saying. And it's always nice! Only twice was it bad, and I sorted it out privately. But I still can't shake the feeling that like... maybe people trust me too much? I'm not sure how to say it.

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I'm not fishing for hugs I swear. It just happened so often today that I wanted to talk about it. Because I cannot keep creeping on GT and Jez if I'm gonna have a panic attack every time someone says something nice about me. Jesus.

My brain is weird.