Hello, my name is Korra and I have SAD. Or rather, I have bipolar that's triggered by the seasons.
I was doing so well all summer, but this weekend I woke up and BOOM! Felt like shit. Exhausted, just wanted to eat sugar, salt, and carbs, felt hopeless and stressed despite my newish relationship and my plans to travel this December. It's hard to get out of bed and start my day now, despite feeling like I have the caffeine jitters.
I was feeling so good until this weekend, I was even going to stop seeing my therapist at the end of the month...but now? I'm going to talk to him today about continuing and hope that he hasn't scheduled someone else in my spot. I'm doing a daylight lamp at the moment, but I haven't used it enough to see any difference.
Sorry, this writing is more disjointed than usual. My brain is kind of scrambled. I woke up yesterday feeling so hopeless about finding a job once I come back from vacation. I don't think I'll have a problem finding something to make ends meet and I'm saving money to cushion my unemployment time, but I'm just so scared that I'm leaving one horrible work situation for another. Corruption in the service industry is rampant. I've taken so much abuse from my last two service jobs but I don't think I have many other options for jobs that pay me enough and give me the flexibility I need for my career. I feel doomed to mistreatment forever.
Additionally, my relationship with exGod (I gotta find a new name for him) was going well until last night. I agreed to go out with him again because I thought he was trying to upgrade his life, but right now he's kind of floundering career wise. He doesn't look like he's trying hard enough and I don't want to nag him for not having a plan. He acts like just showing up is enough to get him a good job, to get him into school, to get him anywhere in life. I told him I still want to be with him but his lack of drive is keeping me from fully committing. I know it sounds harsh, but it's true. I love him (holy fuck what?!?!) but I can't get serious with someone who's not serious about life.
I need to go to work tonight but I really don't want to. Half the people at work hate me now because I call them out on their theft, and the other half agree with me but don't support me when the chips are down. I work with these people every damn shift. I feel so isolated.