Okay, I know it’s stupid to talk about dreams, but I have to share this one because it keeps replaying over and over in my head.

So I’m a fitter, more ball-buster-y, corporate version of me, and I’ve gotten a sweet gig at a big fancy corporatey place; doing what, I don’t know. But I have daily meetings with this hot guy who looks like a cross between Lee Pace (yeah, THAT caught your attention, didn’t it?) and Peter Serafinowicz. Our daily meetings get flirty and turn into clandestine make-out sessions.














AND

EYEBROW LURVE

EXCEPT, turns out Leter Pacafinowicz is a bad dude, and has been roping me into an elaborate scheme. One day he calls me into his office, where I find him and another dude have just finished masturbating (into condoms, WHO DOES THAT?). I express surprise and confusion, and he sends me into another room.

(Jesus, Kinja, really??)

I go into the other room where I meet a little boy robot. He takes my hand and slumps against me. I ask if his battery is low and he says yes, so I scoop him up in an attempt to help him. He pulls out a wishbone (?!?!) and says, “I’m going to stab you, like this!” making a thrusting motion at my chest. I throw the little turdbot down and whip around to the door, just as hottie Leter Pacafinowicz locks it. Turdbot says, “Watch out for the water!” in a supremely annoying sing-song voice, and sure as shit I’m sprayed by a water cannon. Little Turdbot jumps up and stabs me with a large syringe, right in the chest, and out comes a fine powder, which attaches to my skin thanks to the water I’ve been sprayed with. I choke and pass out.

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I awake (still in my dream), tied up and bound inside a clear plastic cube. I give birth to a demon baby and then I die.

Moral of the story is, if anybody knows a guy who looks like Leter Serafinowicz, tell him where to find me because dude was hot and honestly, the whole evil mastermind thing is not a dealbreaker for me.