Good afternoon everyone. On top of my normal monthly updates, I’ve decided to separately track my progress back to happiness. There won’t be any sort of schedule, I’ll just be writing whenever I need to. Writing my thoughts out helps me feel better.
For those of you who are new/haven’t yet followed my story, this update is a continuation of what happened here (TW: Depression).
Anyway, moving forward.
I have started to try taking care of myself. My living situation remains amazing as does my life with Miss Tesla. I couldn’t ask for anything better at a time like this. To kickstart my self-care process, I decided to tackle the most necessary things first.
- I got myself back on my blood pressure medication (the elevated Estrogen levels in my body cause higher blood pressure). So far, this has eliminated the nightly nightmares I have been having.
- I rescheduled my blood pressure/hormone evaluation (I missed the appointment because I was crying and couldn’t find the motivation to see my doctor).
- I have a LOT more money than before, permitting me to actually begin repairing my dying car and other financial obligations. I’m still broke, but at least it’s because I’m taking care of myself.
- I have started to repair the family situation. I have dinner with my parents tonight. At this time, things involving my family still invoke feelings of fear and sadness, rather than excitement or love. I DREAD seeing them tonight, because I know how my family works.
- I’ve been having many more happy days since my move. I feel welcome, I feel loved, I feel like I matter.
- First week of being moved in, I took the tollway to work/Miss Tesla. You want to know what a week using the Illinois Tollway costs? $92. Shit.
- My professional situation is crashing and burning. At best, I have a couple months to find a new opportunity...at worst, I have just over three weeks. And well, no bites yet. We’re debating on whether or not I need to be labelled on an application as being transgender.
- My school (a for-profit) is being investigated for numerous infractions. It’s likely to close down soon. Now, here’s the deal: It’s a no-win situation.
I could drop now before they close down...and be faced with whatever loans they put in my name until the feds shut them down...and not really be guaranteed to have them paid off.
I could graduate before they close...and have a degree that’s not worth anything on top of the crazy loans I still am not guaranteed to get paid back.
Or, they could close before I graduate, and in theory, I get a clean slate...but there’s no guarantee I’ll get those loans paid back.
Now here’s the thing, I enrolled into the school fully knowing that it is super sketchy. But I based my decision on that my local institute (there are 135 across the USA) had an 80% graduation rate and was rated 4.5/5 stars by “previous students”. So I rolled the dice...and well now it’s clear I’ve made one of the worst mistakes of my life. Apparently even my local institute lied about graduation rates (they’re more like 20%) and their rating (1.5/5 stars).
So, I’ve been back to uncontrollable crying. I feel like my entire life has been a complete failure. I couldn’t even choose a school without being a fuckup at it, let alone stay employed. I mean, how could I be so dense as to intentionally go to a bad school? I feel like such an idiot. 23 years and I have nothing to show for it but a very few good decisions
All of my negative thoughts have filled my mind once again and honestly, I’ve stopped trying to find the perfect psychologist. Today I just contacted and scheduled an appointment with one who on paper, will be great for me.
And hopefully, maybe the next time I write about my self-care, I’ll have happier news to report. :)