So earlier this week I gathered up every shred of courage that I possess and went to the lady doctor for the first time ever.

It was definitely unpleasant and super, super awkward but the doctor was incredibly kind and patient. Once she learned I was a newb she went slowly and explained the why and how of everything she was doing, Thankfully, it was over quickly. Turns out what I thought were problems that were really bothering me fell in the realm of "eh, not ideal but basically sorta normal" but she suggested I go on the pill anyway to make things suck less. Since I'm a virgin who is going to die alone unless Benedict Cumberbatch crashes through my ceiling, she proscribed a low dose one and had me make an appointment to check in with her in a few months to see how it's working out. I'm supposed to start it on Sunday.

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Now here's the thing. I kind of... don't want to take it...? Or ever go back to the lady doctor ever again...? I mean, she established a base line, did whatever tests she had to, etc. She was a great doctor. I mean, she's basically a dream doctor (she only handles women's health stuff, she doesn't do anything with pregnancy. It was a relief to find someone whose website wasn't pastel pink with a big graphic that said "we're here for the health of you and your new little bundle of joy!") She did nothing wrong. I just didn't like doing... any of that*.

I'm also, quite frankly, rather terrified of taking these pills. I take no medicine in my daily life. I'm not a crunchy granola hippie person, I just don't have a need to take anything. I am incredibly afraid of them messing with me. Right now, everything in my body works. Why would I go messing with that equilibrium? What if it messes with me so badly I never get that equilibrium back?

I did the stupid thing of spending a few hours that night googling about the pill she put me on (Lomedia 24 FE) and I read listings of dire side effects. I read tales of woe and high praise. It was basically either "this medicine changed my life, I lost 30 pounds, my skin cleared up, I have no more cramps, everything is wonderful and rainbows and waffles and kittens and unicorns!" or "this medicine ruined my life, I gained 30 pounds, developed painful cystic acne, my hair fell out, I lost my job and my husband because I had terrible mood swings then I got a blood clot and had a stroke and was in the hospital for six months and lost my house and THEN I DIED".

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I mean. I can't. Right now, everything works. I can deal with having a slightly wonky cycle. I can't afford to gain 30 pounds or lose my hair or develop painful acne! None of that is worth it. I am a smart, well educated woman. I believe in science and medicine and vaccines. I know this pill is basically a modern miracle. But I still can't get over my extreme trepidation.

I have until Sunday to decide. I filled the prescription just in case but the pharmacist on duty was a guy and I was mortified about asking him anything about them.

Am I insane? Overreacting? My sister and my best friend IRL are both on the pill and neither of them are dead or anything, but neither have been super reassuring either. My mother has never taken the pill and gave it massive side eye when I got home from the pharmacy so I literally have no frame of reference here.

ARGH.

*I'm a feminist, I understand the shame women are taught about their bodies by society but I literally can not discuss any of this out loud with people. No way. I can't even use the proper medical terms. In the appointment I basically just gestured a lot and let my sentences trail off hoping the Dr would pick up what I was putting down. I was raised to not discuss this stuff ever. My mother never even explained what periods were. When I first got mine I thought I was hemorrhaging internally and I was going to die.

[UPDATE] Thanks everyone! I think I'm not going to take them and I'll call the doctor and let her know. I appreciate all the advice!