Hi. I’m a grownup who has definitely bought new underwear in the last four years and is totally not overwhelmed by the thought of buying more.

Okay, that’s obviously a lie. Talking to folks about it on Twitter recently reminded me that my underwear drawer is in a really sad state right now, and post-IUD-insertion spotting means that it’s rapidly getting even sadder. And yet every time I’m at Target I stare at the wall of underwear options and then inevitably just walk away emptyhanded because there are too many choices and I can never find my size in the ones I want and it’s all too complicated and can I just go look at office supplies instead.

Anyway.

Here’s what I’m looking for in my perfect underwear:

  • Cotton
  • Briefs or maybe hipsters—I hate bikinis and thongs with a fiery passion (and while boyshorts are comfy, they don’t play well with pantyliners)
  • Comes up reasonably high, because I’m secretly a grandma
  • Cheapish
  • Preferably black

Suggestions? I’m kind of ashamed about how much mental energy I’ve put into thinking about new underwear and would appreciate the help.