So my insomnia has reared its ugly head the past three nights, and I’ve gotten maybe 10ish hours of sleep total since sunday. I stayed home from class today, because I feel shaky and gross, and I feel like I’ll have a better shot at resting well tonight and being productive if I take it easy now.

I think it’s just nerves about school starting, but I’m also noticing that I have these issues right around the time that my period is supposed to start (calendar says mine is due to start today.) I’m going back to the doctor on Monday for refills on my antidepressants, I may ask if she can make any recommendations or give me the okay to up the dose on my sleep aid right before period onset.

Also, I’m taking this class that’s a survey of topics in career counseling, and we had to do this exercise yesterday where we interviewed a fellow classmate about their career goals and past working experiences, then presented in front of the class. It was really interesting to me- one of the questions was “is there anything more important to you than living passionately/pursuing your passion?” Almost every person in that room said family was more important, but I said that nothing was more important to me than living with passion. I feel like my biggest passion is living authentically and doing meaningful work that helps other people. When I can’t do those things, I am unhappy, drained, and don’t have as much to give to life or the people around me, which in turn hurts my relationships (I hesitate to say family because most of you know that I’ve got little to no relationship with my family of origin... but I could say it hurts my chosen family of friends.)

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It just got me thinking how I’ve formed this view that I think of as “top-down” when it comes to relationships to other people...like, if I am not taking care of myself first and foremost, I can’t be as giving because I’m trying to hand over something I don’t have. Like I’m withdrawing from an empty account, so to speak. Same goes for the way I think about child-rearing some day...I really reject what seems to be this western ideal of motherhood as super self-sacrificing and having children become the center of the universe at the cost of your sense of self. Granted, I have no kids, I don’t feel like I’m AT ALL qualified to speak on what makes parenthood work for any one person, but just for myself...I guess in a perfectly ideal world, I would want to make sure that I was as grounded as possible and had a good support system around me (it takes a village and all of that) and had a spouse who was just as invested as raising a kid as I was and able to negotiate all of that. I wouldn’t want to be a martyr for a child or a marriage, for that matter. From my outsider’s perspective, it just looks like a recipe for resentment to hand over your whole identity to this one aspect of your life...hence why I’m not interested in having a child until my late 30's and will likely adopt, and my views will probably change a lot then. I just want my kid to be autonomous and have a good relationship with themselves.

No disrespect meant to anybody who looks at parenting differently. It’s just something that’s been on my mind a lot lately for whatever reason.

Part of what brought this up for me was what one pair of partners in class said yesterday, about how having children would put their careers on hold, and that they would stay home and raise the kids ahead of their own jobs (which I found interesting given that everyone in there is in pursuit of a field that requires a master’s) I acknowledge that as a valid position and something that they should have the freedom to do, granted it’s accessible for them financially. One person in there did make the comment that she thinks that being a stay at home mother is the “right” thing to do over putting them in day care and that she would “have more respect” for anyone who decided to be a full time mother, which, ugh. Just, stop.

Anyway, thanks for reading my tired ramblings.