Sometimes I don't know why I read or engage with certain topics; I must be stupid, a masochist, or both.

Anyway, the whole topic on helping and studying non-offending pedophiles has me really conflicted. Obviously, having been sexually abused as a very small child and having been pretty seriously crippled by the fall-out of this experience for the entirety of my life I realize that this is the clear source of most of my conflicted feelings on the subject. It's really hard to look objectively or with compassion from where I'm standing, even now years after. That said, I am a huge proponent of access to mental health care for everyone and for providing people with the help they need. But probably most compelling is the argument for helping to prevent abuse from happening. How can I be against something that could actually prevent others from be hurt and abused?

Yet, even still my gut reaction is to shut the whole thing down and reading even the non-offensive calm and rationalized comments just make me want to scream SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP to everyone. Maybe part of what bothers me is that this always opens up a window for people to jump in and argue that pedophilia is a sexual orientation, that it shouldn't be stigmatized, and that people shouldn't ostracize people with "those feelings." And I can't abide that because it's such a small step away from what a lot of pedophiles would like nothing more - to legitimize their abuse by way of legitimizing their "attraction" to children. I guess my fear is that these discussions always seem to devolve into some dumb conversation about either a) how homosexuality used to be viewed or b) some dumb shit about pederasty and about blah, blah, blah social mores and taboos change over time. In my head I know that shying away from hard discussions is never the way to a solution, but there is such a huge part of me that fears this being used by groups trying to argue for the "rights" of pedophiles who feel they are being persecuted for who they are. It just makes me crazy.

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Anyway, this just has my stomach in knots right now. I don't how to think or feel about it.