I'm not sure I know how to critique a movie when I genuinely enjoy it, but I do know how to give a blow job. So here it goes.

The Heat is funny all the way through. In fact, it's so fucking funny, every woman needs to see it. Maybe I didn't say that loud enough for you fuckwads out there- EVERY WOMAN NEEDS TO DRAG THEIR RICKETY ASS BOYFRIENDS AND LAUGH ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE HEAT. The Heat isn't a girl comedy made for women sponsored by Dove and packaged with a NuvaRing. You won't find Katherine Heigl awkwardly bantering about sexist men playing an archeologist trying to dig up the bones of something that might have been funny once, that one time. No, in The Heat, Melissa McCarthy sticks her fist up your ass and rips your testicles out because, ya know what, fuck you boys. Fuck you. Comedy is for women and if you don't like that...get the dog to start blowing you. We've tasted your shit and found something better.

The Difference Between Sexism and Mocking It Is Called Humor

Bridesmaids made fun of men because it was a movie about women for women. You don't make a major movie and have women making fun of how awkward a dick looks by making funny faces without a female target audience. In many of the same ways, The Heat is a movie for women- it speaks to the female perspective, it female protagonists, and it cares about the emotions those characters have. However, it's a guy's movie for women. The humor is dark, mean, and dangerously funny. It doesn't hesitate to try the line at being offensive and it doesn't ever stop making jokes of all kinds and in ways most men will enjoy.

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It opens up with a feminist statement so awesome and proud that calling it hilarious would be insulting. It speaks loud and openly about the joys of feminism but in the language of men. Melissa McCarthy pulls Buster from Arrested Development out of a car for being a dickwad. She belittles Biff from that 80's movie about time travel and tells a station of police officer she found his balls in a box of Tic-tacs. It's not because they keep his superior's breath fresh, it's because she's badass and he doesn't stand up for her.

That theme is central to The Heat and one of the strongest resonating factors about the movie. At one point, Sandra Bullock says something so funny, so truthful, and so empowering to the men at her office that you will want to stand up and clap while urine runs down your legs as you laugh so hard. That is the joy of The Heat. The movie is one big long joke fest but with genuine themes that will resonate in the hearts and minds of women. It's like what Family Guy could be without the rape, racism, and sexism- constant jokes with a warmth and heart between the characters. Like the first three seasons, but funnier.

Movie Reviewers Are Sexist and Can Go Fuck Themselves

Interestingly, many of the reviews seem to delve on the plot or simply call the movie not funny. 10 out of 32 women over at Rotten Tomatoes make their top critics section. (Memo: Good to know that having opinions after watching a movie is another glass ceiling women have to smash). 3 out of those 10 women did not like this movie. I read two of them and wiped my ass with the third. Sadly, now the Washington Post is clogging my toilet.

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Stephanie Zacharek, too pompous for two first names, feels that Sandra Bullock's character is too obnoxious to work with and that the movie does not speak accurately to women in the workplace. Her character is the best employee on the job and opens up the movie by showing a house full of male FBI agents, and one fucking terrible drug dog, how bad they are at their jobs. It is obnoxious working with people who do their jobs when you can't- why do you think they separate athletes and fans in sports?

Barbara VanDenburgh, on the other hand, seems to believe that The Heat is funny, but that the plot isn't deep enough. I'm sure she'll be highly amused by Spielberg's holocaust sequel: Schindler's 12 Kings of Comedy: Laughin' It Through Genocide. You'll laugh, you'll cry; it's like Seinfeld with more Nazis and a longer line for no soup. Clearly we all go see comedies for the riveting plots. I remember when audiences around the nation gasped as they wondered if the Airplane would land safely.

7 out of 22 male critics did not like it. Nobody at the New Yorker has an asshole so I can understand why they didn't like a movie where 60% of the comedy comes from an asshole of a character (McCarthy). They just can't relate- it's like when MTV tries to play music or VH1 tries to make a reality show. Not surprisingly, the New Yorker's review reads like Google Translate took a thesaurus and tried to change the dialogue from Idiocracy into something palatable. Somehow they managed to think that a 30 second dance scene when both characters were drunk at a bar was crucial to the plot. I don't think it's fair to review movies if you don't speak English; I mean, I don't try to review books published by Pompous & Douche.

Salon, which I believe pretends to be liberal, opens up their review with "Nothing quite says female empowerment like violating the civil rights of criminal suspects, am I right?" No, you're right, American audiences should expect all their buddy-cop comedies to follow strict police procedure developed by the ACLU. I'm glad you're giving Community season 5 material- they can do a meta-episode where Abed convinces Jeff to stop holding comedy hostage because he's choosing to only laugh at jokes made by Britta so he can support her unrelated cause celebre of the day.

In his second paragraph, Andrew O'Hehir (Salon), asks, "Well, let’s talk about that, shall we? What is the point of making a movie that’s just like the dopiest, broadest and most reductive grade of guy-oriented comedy, except with women?" Well Andrew, I hate to spoil your summer vacation, but here is something you'll learn in the second grade this fall: they make comedies so you can laugh at something else besides dipshits who write dumb fucking things on the internet. However, I applaud you on turning a week's worth of YouTube comments into an article: I bet your mom helped you cut and paste them all so you could put it on the fridge.

My theater was packed at 4:30 in the afternoon. 90% of the audience laughed 90% of the whole movie. That is the point of comedy.

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[Ed. Note: Jezebel liked the movie but their review is so boring that while reading it I felt like a thirteen year old boy waiting for his balls to drop so he can move on from socks and start dating real dolls. I don't want them to deter you from seeing this masterpiece of American comedy.]

A Movie, Reviewed

This movie is an A+. I already can't wait to buy it. The humor is crude, crass, and fucking awesome. Women can be funny and women can be amazing at the same time. You will love yourself more after you see this movie. Sandra Bullock plays a character she's played before but she does it alongside one of the best comedians of this generation- Melissa McCarthy. If you don't go spend money on this movie and support her career Dove is going hire Carl's Jr. to make their commercials. The Heat is possibly the funniest movie of the year. Deal with it.

P.S. Did I mention it's fucking funny? Cause it is. It really is.