We’re back to normal.
After our fight I called my mom and she came to get me for dinner. He was initially very mad that I did this because he thought she was going to hate him - not true. I explained that if he needed to call his mom or friends for solace I would also feel embarrassed but also happy that he had support. He agreed.
After dinner we went neutral corners. He fell asleep on the couch, I came and got him at 2AM when I noticed him missing.
We had our talk after showers and coffee - we listened to each other and communicated our needs. He conceded that his anger is learned from his parents and that does not excuse it, but I think he’s having trouble reconciling that it’s a part of him and as such is hesitant to talk to someone about it. I brought up how uncomfortable the cussing and door slamming etc makes me and he (and I) apologized.
He clearly communicated things that I do that hurt his feelings, and with frequency can trigger his temper (being disconnected or snapping at him) things that I feel on the face of them do not warrant such a response but I’ve also not done the work to figure the pattern. I’m hesitant to question myself but maybe I did spend all week being short and in turn not supportive or respectful of him.
We’ve committed to learning to communicate better (and that it shouldn’t just be my job to find those resources)
At this point, I’m going to be hyper vigilant of our patterns. I’m not fully ready to accept that this is okay, but maybe with more attention to this I can identify patterns, I can really evaluate my part in this, I can strive to be a better partner, and from there consider if he is as well.
Thank you Jez community for your thoughts and stories, it helps more than you know. A lot of you mentioned that relationships are supposed to lift you up and make you feel good, right now in this moment, it does, but I’m preparing myself for when it doesn’t and what I will need to do for myself.