[TW: PTSD, medication, physical health stuff]

That's what I think whenever I try to go to bed.

So my problem right now is two-fold:

1. I have severe problems with sleep. Part of this is due to the fact that I've been screwed up on some sort of sleep medication ever since my trauma. The much larger part of it has to do with the fact that falling asleep is one of my PTSD triggers. For reals. Falling asleep. There's something about not having control about losing consciousness....urg. That creeps me out and is anxiety provoking just writing it out.

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2. Ever since last night, I've had this weird pressure on my chest, like my implants suddenly gained approximately eleventy gabillion pounds in saline and it makes it somewhat difficult to breathe. I'm not, like, struggling for breath; it just all aches and feels heavy as fuck.

So...usually taking Tylenol PM is enough to sort of manage my issues, except...now it's not. I can't believe I'm even admitting this, but last night it took TEN Tylenol PM to sleep. And that's interrupted sleep, too.

I can't figure out if the heaviness in my chest is an actual physical problem, or if it's a physical manifestation of my PTSD because not even TEN of these fucking Tylenol PM can put me out for a night.

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I hate going to bed every night. I dread it. I'm afraid of it. No matter what I do, I can't seem to make it past the mind-numbing fear that I have to somehow push past in order to fall asleep.

It should not be terrifying to put my head against the pillows and turn out the light. I can't keep taking this medication or go back on sleep medication if I want to be pregnant. I've tried melatonin, yoga, relaxation techniques, meditation, warm milk, therapy, scrupulous sleep hygiene routines. I feel like I'm going insane.

I don't know what I'm looking for in writing this. I'm just so exhausted all the time; from not getting enough real sleep, and from the overwhelming terror that makes me anxious about going to bed. I have no idea what to do, anymore.