Okay, I’m prefacing this with, if these things look good on you, wear them! Yay! They just don’t work for me.

1. Sheer.

What the hell. I have to wear clothes to work, people. And they cannot be sheer. And I resent having to buy a separate piece of clothing to go underneath when the shirt/dress could just, you know, NOT BE SHEER. I had a friend cheekily tell me on Facebook that she loved her sheer shirts. Yeah, except she was a stay at home mom. I’m imagining teaching my classes in a sheer shirt right now.

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The first row of students has died of shock and horror. It goes badly from there.

Just make some choices that are not see-thru. This is not hard.

2. The butterfly hem/the uneven hem/the what the fuck did you run out of material and go blind hem

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Just make a straight hem. Believe me, no one looks thinner in a butterfly hemmed dress. They just look 1) slightly sloppy 2) like they are off to hang out with elven folk. That last one sounds fun, I admit it. I would definitely hang out with elven folk if they existed.

3. Bows. Frills.

I ... I’m not six.

4. a zipper like a runway

I’m sorry. I’m never going to like high-waist anything. I’ve seen those photos from 1974 through the early 80s. I know what I look like in those clothes when I was, in theory, at my very physical best of ages 8-16. It looked like shit. I can’t imagine what would happen now. It would be like “Here is my stomach. And there is my vagina. Note the great divide! Doesn’t that look painful?? Well, it is.”

5. T-shirts that seem to actually go in at you approach the hips.

I feel like we have a misunderstanding of the female body. I feel that every single time I put on a t-shirt. A slight A line T would make a world of difference. Someone needs to make them so I can buy the crap out of them.

6. That swingy cheap polyester material that looks terrible and smells funny

Please don’t make clothes with that anymore. There’s a reason it’s cheap. It’s uncomfortable, too hot in summer, too cold in winter, clings to your undergarments, and all pockets of fat.

100% cotton. OR, some cotton blend that is mostly cotton. Or that really thick, nifty, crazy polyester from the 1960s. Yes, it was warm, but man, it never wrinkled, and it hid a multitude of things.

These are my most hated fashion issues, mainly because they permeate the fashion world, leaving few choices. You are allowed to hate all my choices and love your own. What would you like changed?