1. Set a boundary with my uncle in terms of the way he talks to me. 2. Somewhat passively ended a three year friendship. 3. Wrote and mailed my ex a six page handwritten letter. 4. Set a date for when I’m leaving Starbucks and told my manager. 5. Twisted the fuck out of my ankle.
1. So, I’m realizing that I haven’t really given you guys a thorough update about my aunt and her suicide threat, so here is what has happened in a nutshell: She admitted to my mother that the whole thing was a ploy for attention that she had no real intention of carrying out, because she’s pissed that she’s losing control over my uncle (she didn’t actually admit that last part, she’s nowhere near self aware enough to acknowledge that.) When she ran off, she actually drove to a church parking lot less than 5 blocks away and fell asleep in the back of her SUV. The very unexpected outcome within my family is that NOBODY is willing to sit back and take her shit around this anymore. Her kids have all disowned her. No one has let her try to pin this on my uncle for even two seconds. Even my mother, who is one of the most passive human beings I’ve ever known, told her she needs to get some professional help. My uncle is now in the process of selling their house and filing divorce papers, and I am extremely relieved and proud of him. Therapy is doing wonders for him and I am encouraged that we may actually get to have a good relationship now that he’s getting away from her.
The boundary I set with him was around him sharing too many intimate details around the divorce and their fights with me, and him talking to me or referring to me in ways that are reflective of how my aunt would normally talk to me- she was always convinced that I was a godawful person and a spoiled brat and spread a ton of rumors within our family about me based on those lies, and I think my uncle absorbed some of that because he never had many real interactions with me outside of her. I set the record straight with him in terms of how painful my childhood and adolescence were and told him that when he makes references to me being enabled or entitled, I feel very hurt and unsafe because that’s simply not reflective of my true experience. He apologized profusely and promised to meet me where I’m at now. Huge win for me in terms of standing up for myself and I am very encouraged by how healthily he responded when I shared my feelings with him.
2. Speaking of boundary setting, one of my girlfriends made a shitty comment to me a few weeks ago about her thinking that I’m letting my ex own me by feeling upset when I’ve had to run into him/see him at our volunteer organization. We talked about it a little and she gave me some “I’m sorry you feel that way” bullshit when I told her how much that upset me, because I’ve obvs had a very hard time with this breakup. She kept trying to paint it like she knew what was best for me and that I’m somehow failing by not seeing her words to me as empowering. Nope. Nuh uh.
I don’t feel awesome about this, but I told her we’d talk more about it in person and then just sort of decided not to. This person has hurt me a number of times in similar ways and I just can’t do it anymore. It’s not even that it’s tough love, she’s made some intensely judgmental remarks towards me in the past and even once full on admitted that she’s had some jealousy issues with me, so anytime she’s had some sort of harsh feedback I just feel her judgment seeping through. I don’t have the energy to have some drawn out discussion about this when I’m getting next to nothing out of this relationship anymore. She stresses me out, she’s deeply codependent and doesn’t want to be called out on it, yet she’s more than happy to point out the issues she sees in everyone else. Can’t do it. Too old for this. Done.
3. I picked a day when I was feeling the most like my normal self, and the most clear headed, open, and forgiving that I have in the past six or seven weeks. I pretty much poured my entire heart out. I said everything that I have felt like I’ve needed to say. I told him how hard it’s been not having him around, what my hopes had been for our relationship, how much it scared me when he started shutting down and isolating, the pain I felt when I started taking on responsibility for his issues, the good things I knew were in him, why I told him to not speak to me for 6 weeks. I told him I’d wanted to be a soft, open, and available place for him, and that I felt like our special connection and our intimacy died when he stopped being vulnerable with me, and that I knew I couldn’t do his work for him. I told him that I still loved him deeply but that I require someone who is willing to be open, honest, and authentic with me. I told him I missed him terribly. I told him I forgave him and that I had no idea what the future held, but that I was no longer willing to hold on to anger or unforgiveness, because it dishonors me and it dishonors our relationship and the dear memories I have with him. Also, I told him I didn’t know what was coming next and that I was just trying to stay open in my heart to whatever the next part of my future will bring, and that I knew everything that I wrote will take him awhile to process, one way or another.
So there’s that. I texted him to let him know it was coming which was the first real contact we’ve had in 7 weeks. He responded quickly when I asked him for his address.
I am relieved in a lot of ways. It’s a huge weight off my shoulders and I know it took massive, massive guts for me to do that. Now we wait and see, I suppose. I have some nerves around it, but they’re minimal in comparison to the anxiety hell I’ve been living in for the past month and a half.
4. December 1st. God, I can’t wait.
5. Sucks, but it got me out of work early.
Oh, and I’m driving down to Austin tonight with my best friend. Gonna celebrate me this weekend.