because I love my pets and also want to kill them

Are you eating poop again?!

If you climb that fence one more time...!

Get your hairy ass back over here!

What did you eat this time?

Stop chewing on your penis.

Don't eat that! Drop it!

Poor baby! I didn't mean to step on you.

Be a better neighbor than that!

If you stopped stuffing your bone in there, I wouldn't be so annoyed.

I am not a tissue; wipe your face on someone else.

Stop chewing your nails.

Where are your blue balls?

Please don't eat dirt.

Don't frighten the delivery lady!

You are not allowed to leave the yard by yourself.

No, you can't have my beer.

No, you can't have my coffee.

I am RIGHT HERE. I can see you doing that!

I'm going to make shoes out of you.

You smell like asshole.

Do you have a nice stick? (Say this one out loud in a somewhat baby voice.)

What absurd things have you caught yourself saying to your furry friends?