1. My employer requires an insane amount of health and lifestyle information from me, all to be entered into an online system that chirpily exhorts me to Get More Active! and Be Proactive! and all kinds of crap. If I don't do this, I am penalized financially via my paycheck contribution to my health coverage.

2. Said system is chirpily red-flagging my weight as a Health Risk because I clock in at 0.3 lbs into the BMI Overweight category. A Break, Give It To Me.

3. How the hell is my LD cholesterol high? I subsist on grass and nuts, for dog's sake. I don't eat dairy, rarely eat meat, and frequently eat fish. All the chirpy suggestions about how to lower that number are about cutting things out of my diet that I have not eaten in, seriously, two decades or, you know, ever.

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4. On another topic, the Phantom Dogs are blowing coat. It, well, blows. There is fuzz everywhere. Dog One won't let me brush him, and his tufty ass makes him look like a vagabond instead of the pampered beast he is. Dog Two looks like a hairy version of Peanuts' Pigpen. A cloud of hair surrounds him at all times. They are making me look bad.

5. The weeds in my yard are growing inches a day. If I go out to pull them, I am eaten alive by mosquitos. Fuck mosquitos. They are so horrible that I can't even spell them.

6. Dog Two has excavated the Tunguska Crater near the west fence. I fill it - he digs it. Where is he going? He comes in tracking filth and with grass stains on his head.

Feh.