When I watch MasterChef Jr.: I’d have a kid if, and only if, I could be guaranteed that they’d starting making gourmet dishes for me by the time they’re 8.

When I watch a scene with someone in an MRI machine: It doesn’t seem that bad. Just take a nap! God, I’m tired. I want an MRI.

When I watch a scene with someone hospitalized: It might be nice to spend a few days laying in bed. What’s, like, the best thing that could get me hospitalized for a few days and no longer? Appendicitis? Maybe I just need more sleep.

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When I watch any hetero sex scene: Nope. No one self-lubricates like that. You’ve got to lick it before you stick it. This is sending the wrong ideas about sex to the children of the world!!

When I watch a scary scene: That scary character lives under my bed now. Xe wants to grab my ankle and pull me under and torture me/kill me/put their really scary face that probably also smells bad really close to my face. I never knew that person lived under my bed till today. Oh, well, it looks like I’ll have to be hospitalized if I ever want to sleep again.