As I muttered under my breath for the 30 thousandth time about why doesn’t my neanderthal husband use the Brita filter, and why does he insist upon drinking poison water* straight from the tap, I caught a glimpse of a block of cheap, gross, cheddar cheese** I physically gnawed on when I had had a little too much wine Friday night. Presumably, said cheese is chock full of “toxins” ***, and I, 5/5 stars, would gnaw again.

Other weirdnesses:

  • Can’t stand to see hair/whiskers anywhere near a bathroom fixture, don’t mind scrubbing poo marks out of the toilet.
  • Won’t eat at McDonald’s because of poison, will eat just about any slightly more expensive dirtbag food without any regard to whether it is organic or anything.
  • Have little regard for where the meat I consume comes from; always buy cage free eggs.
  • Very serious about carpooling, constantly too lazy to ride a bike. [eta - just speaking for myself, in situations where I could totally ride a bike and it wouldn’t be a big deal at all, but I don’t]
  • Won’t eat sugary cereal for breakfast, will eat pizza for breakfast (ok, that one might be more of a personal preference issue).

Whatchu got?

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Footnotes:

*I presume that like most of America, our water is probably more potable than the rest of the world and less potable than it should be.

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**I mean, it was probably like, fine, but not like, good. It was probably full of antibiotics or whatever bad things are in dairy, and processed to death, and probably derived of poorly fed and poorly treated cows.

***Man, toxins. I never want to hear anyone other than a doctor or dietitian say the word “toxin” ever again, because in my experience, people who are fixating on “toxins” are doing weird shit to their bodies but can’t even name a toxin. Name one “toxin” that a juice cleanse will get rid of that your liver an kidneys can’t!****

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Sub-footnote:

****Not to knock anyone who does a “cleanse” or whatever - do what makes you feel good (and is safe!!!!).

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