*VERY LONG and poorly worded thoughts ahead, haha* On my way home from work, I was listening to Vampire Weekend's album Contra, which came out almost exactly 4 years ago during my spring semester of my freshman year of university. Listening to this album at that time was one of my ways to get into a "happy place." I adore this album because it brought some joy to me during a really bitter time in my life.
And when I thought about my freshman year and the moments in which I would listen to this album, I started to cry while I was in the car :( Basically, during my freshman year, I was friendless and lonely at my big state school. At the crux of it, my 2 roommates from fall semester, who I thought were my friends, were making fun of me behind my back. I didn't realize this until the first day of my spring semester. And then throughout my spring semester, I had no one to really hang out with. I felt like something was wrong with me. Everyone around me had made such close friends, were having the best time, etc.
The first 1.5 months of school, we did a lot of things together, and I thought all was well. But apparently this was not the case (and I was young [had just turned 18], in a new environment far from my family and friends...plus I was so naive).
During Halloween, they left our dorm without me to leave for a party that I was going to go to with them. They obviously left deliberately, and I ended up not going and crying in my room, alone, on Halloween.
They started to go to lunch or dinner together without me but with the other people who were on our floor and who we would grab food with. This started to extend to parties. I didn't really know anyone else, so I started to stay in on weekends. I felt pathetic.
My one roommate had a boyfriend who was visiting for a weekend. She asked us to make sleeping arrangements elsewhere, because of DA SEX. I made these arrangements, but I had a lung infection for like 4 weeks and was feeling fucking awful the night that I was to sleep elsewhere. It was around 9 pm, and my roommate wanted to pregame with her friends, which they did in our room. But she was pissed that I was there (I was literally crawled into a ball, trying to rest because I felt like shit). I know this because I overheard her in our floor's restroom talking about how she was pissed that I hadn't left the our room yet. Um, wut? Girl, you're pregaming. I'll be gone by the time your night ends. It was so selfish.
Also, this same roommate told other people that I had been rude to her mom when her mom had visited during parent's weekend. WOW. Yes, me talking to your mom about my weekend plans was rude. Her mom was the one to ask me questions. I'm good with parents...and I'm honestly a kind person. Seriously, this girl had issues.
Also, I learned from another person on the floor that they often talked shit about me in general and made fun of the fact that I didn't have other friends. Like in the end of November, I went with a girl on my floor to get a piercing, and apparently my roommates and some of the other people who I thought were my "friends" were talking about how I had finally found a friend of my own...but they were laughing about it because they didn't like this person.
There are a lot of other instances. Just small things that pile up, you know? It may not sound bad, but I felt very weak and helpless at the time. Anyway, I was completely friendless and depressed during my spring semester. I stayed in pretty much every weekend. I couldn't make friends in class because there were just so many people, and I'm really shy. I felt like no one liked me. I felt incredibly unattractive to guys. It was a really sad, lonely time in my life. I couldn't believe that people could be so mean to say things behind my back and to pretend to be nice to me but absolutely hate me at the same time. College-aged people should be over that sort of malicious bitchiness.
I'm glad that whole thing happened, however much it hurt me back then. It still kills me to think about it; I feel a lot of pity for myself and for how naive I was. I feel like I looked so stupid to them. They basically walked all over me. But if it wasn't for those shitty people, I wouldn't be the person who I am now.
I've grown a lot since then. I ended up making great friends starting my sophomore year because I vowed to change things around, to prove to myself that I could love university and that I could make friends, to prove that I was so much stronger than that. I ended up loving my university experience. But it doesn't make it any easier to think about that time, you know? So that's why I'm just...kinda sad right now. Thinking about my freshman year. Thinking about the things I felt during that time...
Anyway, I apologize for how poorly written and rambly and repetitive this is. I just wanted to get this out there. I will never, ever treat anyone like this. And I just wish that no one is treated like this, but life sucks sometimes. People suck sometimes. But I guess we just move on, learn, and grow from situations like this.
Thanks for listening <3