I have read this thing three times and I still have no fucking clue what the hell this is about.

So someone "close" to Brad Pitt says all the stories about how they basically fucking hate each other are just like, soooo not true.

My mistake was following through and reading this godforsaken thing because now there is literally brain matter leaking out of my ears after reading this. I'm not kidding.

Jean Black, a makeup artist and pal of Pitt's who has worked with the "World War Z" actor on most of his films since 1990, spoke with Us Weekly about the famous ex-couple and revealed there is no bad blood between them.

Oh OK, that sounds pretty cool. Yeah, let's get on this train and see where it goes.

"I think Brad was ready to soar when he met Angie," Black said of his meeting Jolie on the set of "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" back in 2004.

Uh...what? He was "ready to soar?" Like he thought he was morphing into a bat and Jennifer Aniston was all like "Yeah I'm just not ready for that; I'd rather just remain a bipedal mammal; kthanx" ? Well, OK. I guess. Moving on.

This is not to say anything negative about Jennifer. I was part of that and I know that he and Jennifer are very good friends and he cared deeply for her."

"I was part of that..." What? Like she was surgically fused to them by some mad scientist in an attempt to create some sort of celebrity-makeupartist super being, and was thereby able to feel each and every iota of their pain. "OMG SO MANY FEELINGS BRAD AND JEN. SO MANY FEELINGS."

"But in Angie," Black continued, "he saw a very adventurous person who was grabbing on to life and taking it to its nth degree."

An adventurer? Like Allan Quatermain? Like she dropped through the roof of his car one day while she was on the run from members of the Illuminati who trying to capture her and get back the stolen right arm of the Golden Monkey she was trying to return to the Tomb of the Last Dark Emperor before the moon of Azkhlubahkah reaches its third eclipse?? Is that what made him go "oh wow she's totally taking life to its nth degree!!" WHAT IN THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.

It was intriguing because I felt Brad had that in him and wanted to unleash it.

WHERE IN MY MIND WOULD THIS MAKE SENSE.

Last March, however, [Aniston] did tell InStyle magazine that headlines about a feud between her, Pitt and Angelina is "a story that has nothing to do with reality."

Because we are no longer in "reality." We are in a space-time vortex, wherein all reality has shifted to a paradigm dimension, an alternate reality where time is an illusion, space is a fantasy and Brad Pitt is a fucking soaring bat. I totally understand this now. This is not an article. It is a doorway into an alternate universe; it is a wormhole into the oblivion of conscientiousness. It is the nth degree.

Finally all things make sense because nothing makes sense. Yes.

Yes.