I got drunk with coworkers and talked about how much I loved giving blow jobs. I offered to dance with someone if they bought me mozzarella sticks. I made out with a girl I know from work and narrowly avoided a threesome. When I got home I realized I lost my phone and when I tried to call it I drunk dialed my dad.

Oyyyy, I am so embarrassed! I really hope my coworkers don't remember most of what happened... I've been trying to de-complicate my life and I'm worried I made it even more so. Long ago I resolved not to go for girls in relationships because no matter how cool it is with their boyfriends they will always want a threesome. It is bad for my self-esteem. And what happens the moment I get drunk? Bam. Girl kisses me, I say "make sure it's cool with him first", she's all "he says it's ok if you come home with us" and then he plants one on me too. UUGGGHHHHHHH, NO. DO NOT WANT. Dear lord Jesus, I hope nobody but me remembers what went on.

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At least I'm not hungover. And the bar found my phone. And I can always ignore the problem and hope it goes away...right? My coworkers go out all the time and they're heavier drinkers than I am. I'm sure they've done/said more ridiculous things than I have. Right?!?!