If you're like me, you spend endless sleepless days and nights wondering—just what is the correct order of succession for the British throne? You find it impossible to concentrate at work, and you've lost close friends and loved ones to your obsession.
But now, thankfully, there's help!
This awesome official site link tells you everything you need to know. I've studied it in-depth, and I am now a better, much more smarter person. If I had friends or went to parties, I'd be able to impress them with my wily knowledge!
And by the way, that site is fucking awesome. Look at all these people!
All of these sound like suspects in an Agatha Christie novel:
8. The Earl of Wessex
9. Viscount Severn
10. The Lady Louise Mountbatten-Windsor
11. The Princess Royal
These guys are all 'AWESOME, made it the Top 25! Now I can be on the tour!'
22.The Duke of Gloucester
23. Earl of Ulster
24. Lord Culloden
Some of these people are so fancy, they don't even have names yet:
41. The Lord Frederick Windsor
42. Miss (name to be confirmed) Windsor
I can tell you exclusively, through this blog, I have confirmed the name of 42 to be Griffyndoon Mundungus. Because like all stupid Americans, I only know to make puns about British names by referencing J.K. Rowling.
Pretty sure this is the guy who killed Sherlock Holmes.
16. Viscount Linley
I bet all these people poop rose petals. Seriously:
43. The Lady Gabriella Windsor
44. Princess Alexandra, the Hon. Lady Ogilvy
These people at the bottom here are in what I call the "King Ralph" zone. A giant dinosaur riding a meteor has to take out all the other royal family members for them to have a shot at this.
48. Miss Marina Ogilvy
49. Mr. Christian Mowatt
50. Miss Zenouska Mowatt
I know what it's like to be in their shoes, as far as being the heir to a prestigious, timeless entity. I got a cousin who owns a Whataburger franchise out in Tyler. If, heaven forbid, his kids die and my other two cousins die, and my uncle's kids from his first marriage die and both my cousin's ex-wives die, I bet it would probably go to me, too.
That is a lot of pressure, too. That Whataburger is really popular. My cousin said one time, this guy who coaches the girls' soccer team at the high school came and ordered onion rings. So, not everyone can handle the pressure, obviously.
Rebecca "Burt" Rose is a comedy writer, buffet aficionado and spirit conduit for Mr. Burt Reynolds, aka the greatest human being of all time. Burt Reynolds Is Her Spirit Guide. Her origins are largely unknown. Some people suspect she was raised by a pack of wolves, except it is highly unlikely that wolves would put up with so much drinking and swearing. You can follow her on Twitter @americasbaby1, on Tumblr, or check out her blog, www.drinkcursescrew.com.