I am miserable right now.

I hate my job. I am alone, and I feel alone. I’ve gained so much weight this year on top of already being fat.

A few weeks ago, I stood in my kitchen and thought out step by step what it would be like to kill myself...and then realized that it would be days before anyone would find me because I live alone and my closest family is two hours away.

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I didn’t think about it much at the time, because I’ve always had random “what if” flashes about ending my life without any desire to actually do so...but this one stuck around.

After a minor run-in with a coworker this week that put me in a funk, I found myself in a foul mood, reminded about how much I hate where I work, how overwhelmed I feel, how I want to take better care of my health but also just want to sleep all the time...

It doesn’t help that my therapist changed jobs and couldn’t keep me on as a client about a month ago, so I finally reached out to one of her recommendations. I later googled “suicidal thoughts” and then burst into tears. I guess that’s what happens when I ignore my misery until I can’t anymore.

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I’m grateful for a former flame seeing an online post and reaching out. I’m taking a mental health day off from work this week for some rest and relaxation. I hope this helps, for a little at least.

And now I have a cold sore.