Homey forgot to put away our leftover pizza last night. I came home for lunch, psyched for my pizza, and found it, dried out and in the garbage. Per our prenup, this is automatic grounds for a divorce, in which I get the house, the money, the Kids in the Hall DVDs, and he has to take the brat cat off my hands.

So long, Homey—it’s been swell! Well, at least until today. :P