Taoism: shit happens
Calvinism: shit happens because you do not work hard enough
Buddhism: first there is shit, then there isn't, then there is
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening
Hedonism: there is nothing like a good shit happening
Hinduism: this shit has happened before
Mormanism: this shit is going to happen again
Stoicism: this shit is good for me
Protestantism: Let the shit happen to someone else
Catholicism: shit happens because you are BAD
Atheism: no shit
Existentialism: what is shit anyway?
Rastafarianism: let's smoke this shit

WBPD:

Methodism: The four questions to ask are 1) What's all this shit happening in the bible? 2) What does our tradition say about this shit? 3) Rationally speaking, why does shit happen? 4) What kind of shit has happened to you?

Universalism: There are many assholes, but the shit all ends up in the same place.
Emergent/Postmodern Christianity: The important thing is, how does shit happen for you?

**erata**

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Christian Science: shit is in your mind
Zoroastranism: shit happens half the time
7th day Adventism: no shit on Saturdays
Confucianism: Confucius says, "shit happens"

**/erata**

On a practical note:
My bread won't rise in time to take it to the pot luck (shit won't happen in time) and I have to get there with a carving knife in time to save 'the carving of the turkey' - no other knife will do FFS - anything else will shred the poor thing.

Sigh