You don’t even have to read this rant, which turned out way longer than I had expected it to be. But please, if you have a similar rant or a story or some words of some kind that bear posting in the comments, I’d love you to share. Thank you GT. TL;DR: My insurance and my uterus are both really mean.

So today I kept feeling some abdominal discomfort and discovered that my period is here, a week early. When I was younger it was very irregular and twice, thanks to birth control, I have simply stopped menstruating for a year at a time (always glorious times, believe me) only for my next exam to conclude with a lovely parting gift of hormones to start the works back up again. Because somehow, it’s wrong not to menstruate if you’re not an older woman. After the second round of hormones, I had a regular, predictable period that lasted 4 days with cramps on the first day and then gone.

NOW it seems like 12 years hence, my menstruals are all out of whack and no matter when my period tracker predicts its appearance, it shows up a week early. How is this possible? Wouldn’t it eventually kind of loop back over itself at some point? I feel like time doesn’t work the way my body believes it does. I’ve used multiple trackers and the result is always the same: period shows up a week early. You’d think either the trackers or my body would get the point after a while.

Now is where this devolves into an angry mess of nonsense.

In an effort to finally do something about my angry utes (it’s what I call the villain, Yoo-triss) I went to the doctor last November for a regular old pelvic exam. I hadn’t been in years because that last round of hormones was prescribed by a doctor who also later prescribed the pill, which I quit taking after it made me so sick. She told me I had to make up the pills I’d missed, so I took 2 on Wed (it was fine), 2 on Thurs (I felt unwell) and 2 on Fri (I vomited 20 times that day and when I wasn’t vomiting I was sleeping on the floor next to the toilet, no kidding). For the next 6 days I was in my mom’s guest room vomiting so hard I had to use adult diapers because for some reason I also had to pee all the time. Eventually on halloween I ended up in the ER where they gave me drug after drug to stop the vomiting, which finally stopped after they gave me morphine. I had lost 13 lbs in those 6 days, I was terribly dehydrated because I couldn’t eat or drink anything that whole time, and the triage nurse who took my blood pressure asked if I was always dead or just on halloween. I spent the night in the hospital on my niece’s first occasion to trick or treat. It sucked, and I didn’t go to the ob/gyn again until last year.

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Ok so I went, and during the exam I felt some horrible pain. The following day, however, I was bleeding so much and couldn’t even stand upright. I ended up in the ER where they discovered through the most painful ultrasound I have ever had, that I have fibroids and that the doctor had inadvertently stabbed one. The doctor felt terrible about this, of course, and also realized that something had to be done. She recommended an iud, with insertion to be guided by ultrasound. I studied the literature, mulled it over for a while, and decided to get myself one, 2 days before christmas.

But then, insurance company. They informed me and my doctor’s office that I could only get an ultrasound at the ultrasound place. The doctor can’t put the iud in at the ultrasound place. So, I can’t get an iud, because the doctor doesn’t want to take any risk hurting me again. I was on painkillers for like 2 weeks after that exam!

So the doctor said that my remaining option, really, is to have a hysterectomy. I tried not to be too jubilant about this possibility because I have horrible, horrible cramps that at this point can last up to 2 weeks, and my period has stretched itself to 7 days now. But irl I’ve wanted one of those since I was 22 so roughly 20 years hence, WHY NOT? But the insurance company is sure that since I’m still of childbearing age, I might want to have a baby one day. I’ve had 3 miscarriages because I can get pregnant all I want but I can’t carry a baby to term so WHY ACT LIKE THEY ARE DOING ME SOME HUGE FAVOR? THey won’t approve painkillers, but the doctor says taking 12,000mg of ibuprofen a day is bad for me. I mean, I’m sure it is but they are sure leaving me with so few options. At this point, I can’t even have sex because the thought of something going in my vagina is nauseating after what happened last year. I had to be sedated for a uterine biopsy! I cannot have a baby. Why does insurance keep acting like I might want to try anyway???

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At least my current doctor didn’t tell me I needed a psychological exam with a letter to certify that I knew for sure a hysterectomy means I can’t have kids, so that just in case I changed my mind later I wouldn’t be able to sue him. Do men need a psych eval to get a vasectomy? OMG!

Ok, long rant over. I’m so sorry and thank you to anyone who read the whole thing. I don’t even know why I posted this except that I feel kind of fed up and don’t really have anyone else to tell it to.