My friend,

It's been almost two months since you were taken from our world. This world with out you is changed, its gone dark. You were more than a friend, you were my sister I never had.

Everything that's wrong in my life just seems so pointless... You died afraid and yet I am here just arguing with my friends or complaining about work. You don't get this chance anymore. When you took your last breath, we all felt as you slipped away. The void that now replaces what was once your life.

I miss you terribly.

I remember when we first met at the age of 15, we hated each other over a guy. We never thought we would be friends much less sisters. You and I loved the same man. Neither of us wanting to give him up.

How much I would give to fight with you over him... once last time.

We fought right before you died. I am so sorry. I am. I will never be able to obtain your forgiveness. I will die knowing I never got to say I was sorry.

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I hope you know I didn't mean it. I hope as you clenched your fist in anger, you knew I was just misguided. I didn't know. I'm sorry.

The silence is deafening.

I never thought you would go before me. You were always so stubborn, I thought you would win the long life part. You were a firecracker that couldn't stop...

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I cried on my birthday that just passed because you weren't there. You had died three weeks prior.

I cannot say your name without tears. Your name was so unique, so seeing it in words would break me down further. As of now, I write with tears in my eyes as I hear your name in my head.

Will we ever get over losing you? We just had lost your brother last year, as the one year mark hits.... Will I ever not see the faces of your other two brothers when I close my eyes?

It was just you four. Your family is almost gone..

Another accident.

Another crime.

Then what is left of you?

I smile and try to keep it in. I'm falling apart as the time goes on.

No one knows the reason behind it. Smoking is so much more openly accepted. No one knows I did it so I could laugh for the first time in what feels like a lifetime.

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No one knows I'm choking back the tears. No one will ever know that joint was the first in many ways of trying to figure out how to deal with losing you. I'm leading two lives now... The one in which I smile and go about my day and then the one that starts when I am alone. I have to be strong for everyone. I have to.

No one understands when the person they go to is breaking into a thousand pieces every time your name is said...

My love just holds me and rubs my back as I cry myself asleep because he doesn't want me drinking. God knows I need him. Without him, it's the bottle.

I'm sorry I didn't save you.

With a flash of a smile and a silver tongue, no one believed me.