Originally posted here (and with a good answer):

My own immediate thoughts were:

“Amy,” sweetie, run.

This man is not one you want to marry. And it’s not because he wouldn’t choose to spend large amounts of time and money on a sick dog, though his attitude towards pets is a red flag imo. No, the truly scary thing is his inability not only to empathize with you but his horrifying self-centeredness that leads him to turn your caring for your beloved dog into being about him.

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He thinks you love the dog more than him simply because you had to set boundaries about talking about it (because he’s been an insensitive asshole) and now he is upset that you set those boundaries.

First of all, he should never have been so awful that you had to set that boundary in the first place.

Secondly, he is having so much trouble respecting that boundary he’s writing advice columns trying to get them on his side.

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Third he’s implying you’re crazy just because he can’t understand why you love your pet so deeply and are willing to make sacrifices for that love.

This man is garbage and he’s showing you right now what a life with him would entail. He might be mostly nice to you now but trust me, he will not stay on best behavior forever especially if he gets you fully committed by marrying you.

He’s not even really affected by the care you give your dog and he’s jealous. Don’t give him a chance to show you how selfish and terrible he’d be if you had babies to care for.

A partner that loved you would, at the BARE minimum not give you shit for wanting to help your fur family. A truly supportive partner would be asking “what can I do to help?” because he would know how much it means to you.

DUMP HIS ASS AND FOCUS ON YOUR PRECIOUS PUP.

This man-baby is human trash.


Upon further thought, I want to say that I understand not everybody could afford to preserve their dog’s life in these circumstances. And I want to make it 100% clear that I don’t think that makes you a monster. I know, in my current situation and maybe forever, I certainly couldn’t afford to go to these lengths. I can’t even afford all my own medications. But the GF in question clearly can.

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Also, some of the wording in that letter sends up HUGE red flags to me, not the least of which is calling his girlfriend “maybe literally crazy” in a cutesy way. I’ve been with a partner who jokingly put me down. It’s never really a joke. It just gets framed that way so that you can’t complain without being turned into the humorless bad guy. He then goes on to again call her and her behavior crazy multiple times.

He also uses quotes around the phrases “supportive care” and “quality of life” as if he expects the readers of his letter to agree that these are silly, not real things.

Then framing the issue as her priorities being “screwed up” vs. him just being “insensitive?” is the subtle grand finale of manipulative bullshit. I mean, he is BEYOND insensitive. But even ignoring that, by falsely portraying the problem as her having committed a grander crime (which she hasn’t actually done because only a narcissist would think that a GF caring for a dog at zero expense to her partner is at all about him) to his simply being “insensitive” (a word that implies unintentionality) he’s trying to cue the audience to take his side.

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I have zero doubts that his purpose in writing this letter isn’t so much seeking advice as it is pulling a triangulation stunt and try to get the advisor to side with him so he has further ammo to control his GF and pressure her into killing her dog. And the fact that he honestly thinks his manipulation and bullshit is going to convince anybody to side with the “kill the dog” argument is a testament to his inability to actually understand human caring.

I know it all seems subtle, but I’ve seen this behavior. I KNOW this man, even though I don’t know THIS man specifically. And I am hoping against hope that Amy gets the fuck out of this relationship as soon as possible before he does any more damage than he probably already has.

ETA: Also, given the context of all the other red flags and bullshit in this letter, even the “I love Amy, and she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me” bit is getting side-eye from me. I mean, aside from the fact that it’s hard to reconcile him actually believing she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him with his proceeding to tear down her compassion and willingness to sacrifice for loved ones as not endearing and admirable but “CRAZY,” it’s so vague and trite. Even his attempt to tell us he loves her, no really he does, is about him. “She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to ME.” Well, my dude, you are most assuredly NOT the best thing that’s ever happened to her.

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He doesn’t say “I love Amy. She’s an amazing woman.” He doesn’t give me any reason to believe he’s being genuine and not just repeating some cliche because that’s just what you’re supposed to say (if the rest of his letter wasn’t such a steaming pile of shit, I’d give him a pass on this phrasing). He doesn’t make any effort to inoculate the audience against the complaints he’s going to dump out on her. When I want to vent about somebody I love or get advice on a problem I’m having with them, I generally make an effort to ensure that the person I’m talking to understands that they’re a good person and despite whatever the current complaint is, have a lot of good qualities. Hell, even after my latest break up, and all the bitching I did about my ex, when he did a really decent, kind thing on my behalf, I told my bestie about it and basically said, he’s not all that bad.