I’ve decided that since I’m the face of the practice, that I require a set of sparkling white teeth. Blinding white. Like, pick the whitest shade of white, get me there, and then we’ll do two more sessions. Basically, I’m aiming for Ross White. (CW: Picture Of My Teeth.)

After a thorough, spur of the moment deeeeep scaling session (an hour and a half of scaling alone!), polishing and exam yesterday after lunch- I have decided to start with the laser whitening. It will be free of charge, and as often as I need it, so I can smoke and drink coffee and eat blueberries and not worry about stains!

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I’m actually excited for my first session tomorrow/Friday (depending on how much downtime there is.) This is a huge change for me, usually I’m loathe to get into the chair at all. But the hygienist is amazing and gentle, and my teeth are actually in great shape. Only one small cavity that we will address in a couple weeks when I can be scheduled for Oral Moderate Sedation and gas. Halcyon, here I come!!!

Finding out that my mouth is healthy kind of neutered a lot of the dentalphobia for me. Finally, an honest dentist that’s not out to profit off of torturing me. I’ll be high as a kite and likely not even notice the woman poking around in my mouth, and then I’ll wake up in the morning with an A1 Alpha Prime set of penis shredders.

Here is where I’m starting in terms of yellowness:

Go Ahead, Stick Something In There... They’re As Sharp As They Are Shiny.

Not bad, but my canines are a bit yellower than the rest as I tend to smoke off to the sides of my mouth. I’m anxious to zap them and see my new shark grin.

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Would you find it more reassuring to see a dental receptionist with perfect crazy white teeth? Or less reassuring? Intimidating? Inspiring? Creepy? Like why is she baring her teeth at me? Why are my retinas burning every time she smiles?

And down the road? White gold canines. BECAUSE I’M CLASSY.