One night, about two and a half years ago now I’d drank a bit much and woke up the morning after thinking “oh no.. what did I do?”. In a drunken stupor I’d made out with a friend even though I was in a relationship at the time. It spelled the end of that relationship, luckily so, because as some of you may remember it was making me deeply unhappy at the time.
Last friday I drank too much and woke up on saturday with a terrible hangover and a blank spot about 4 hours big. It’s been about 2 years since I drank so much and I thought I was finally over that stage in life where you drink way too much only to regret it the day after. These days when I drink, I stop at a certain point. Not this night. Although nothing happened, when by Sunday I hadn’t mentally recovered the lost hours I started to freak out. Out of nowhere this tiny little voice inside of me piped up. This voice that has always wanted me to believe the absolute worst of myself. It said “what if you did something terrible?”
I knew the chances of this having happened were slim. But the more that little voice nagged at me “you don’t -remember- what happened so something terrible -could- have happened, theoretically, couldn’t it?” and I got myself stuck in this spiral where I ended up wondering ‘what if something díd happen?’ and I felt like the worst person in the world. I thought to myself, if it did. If I had violated the trust that boobieguy has placed in me. Broken his heart and my own. This person who is more beautiful, more kind, and more important to me than anyone I’ve ever met. I couldn’t live with myself. I knew right then that if I had I would buy a gun. You can fill in the rest.
I did what any reasonable person would have done, I asked my friends to fill in the blanks for me. As expected the worst thing I did was make a fool out of myself trying to tell a ghost story (because October) and making an ass of myself because I kept forgetting all the details that made it a good story. Nothing happened. Off course it hadn’t. I would absolutely not do that, not now, not to him. I knew that.
And yet, this little voice told me that it could have and that was enough to convince me that I could possibly be the worst person alive. It frightens me to think, after all the progress I’ve made and after how long I’ve fought to learn to trust, respect and love myself that something like that could throw me for a loop that fast.
The mind is a tricky place.