Need some advice. I am ashamed that I am struggling with this, but I am.

Please stop reading if you are triggered by weight talk.

I am about 20 pounds heavier than my usual adult weight. I have always been an average weight. Not super thin, but around a size six (I am 5'4). Some steroids, age, and a rough patch of being a couch potato resulted in weight gain and I am now in a 12-14. I look fine, but I wasn’t healthy. I decided to get healthier in July. It wasn’t about looks. I’ve talked about it a lot. It’s been great for my mental well being. I started by just walking (even that was tough). Now I do hiking on weekends, cardiovascular, HIIT. I do yoga and/or walk a few miles on my days off. Big progress. Lots of visible changes in my body. I feel better. However, I have actually gained weight. I get it. It’s muscle. Blah blah


Still I am disappointed and then disappointed in my own fixation with weight. It’s a double disappointment. I feel shallow and bummed. I never even set out to loose weight. It’s so ingrained in us that this is the measure of success.