I'm feeling a lot of feels today guise. Baby Haa had her 4 month check up. Good things first: she's up to the 13th percentile for weight! She is ounces away from having doubled her birth weight. The doctor was super happy with this. Baby Haa is long and lean like her daddy because she's in the 81st for height. The doctor was amazed to hear she still sleeps thru the night. She told us to continue feeding her as we are and until she either starts waking up hungry in the night or turns 5 months we can start to introduce solids! I was like really? Already? Are you sure? I was a little worried the doctor would want us to start giving her cereal which I was kind of against because it's just filler. She said we should start by giving her a vegetable first. Then another and then we can do a fruit. I'm really excited by this for some reason.

Not so great things: two words. Labial adhesion. I had never heard of this before but apparently it's a common disorder in prepubescent girls where the labia minora fuse together. She isn't having any trouble peeing so it hasn't closed all the way up but the doctor showed us and I was pretty horrified. Of course the doctor just said "it's common" and jumped right into explaining what we needed to do. I felt like shit of course. I talked to my mom this afternoon and she told me she was pretty sure I had this and from my online research I see that sometimes some girls are just predisposed to it. It should open up within a month.

Sad things: Baby Haa needed 3 vaccinations today. She cried and wailed. I felt so terrible. She hardly fusses and normally when she does it's these pitiful little half hearted squawks. I frequently tell her she's faking it because they hardly sound like cries. So to hear her cry real in pain tears made me feel awful. But it had to be done.

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Shitty things: As proud and excited as I am for Baby Haa to have gained so much and come so far I can't help but feel like I wasn't a part of it since my breast milk wasn't enough for her to gain weight and now that she is on formula she is gaining just fine. It cements that my breast milk was the problem. I was the problem. I keep thinking about how much I didn't enjoy it and wondering if she maybe could tell or if I unconsciously rushed her thru feedings because I couldn't stand it by the end of the day? I'm guessing I'll always be sad about it but since I'm already starting to think about which vegetable I'm going to introduce her to first it will probably be totally out of my mind in a few months. So I'm only going to be a little sad tonight.

But only a little. Mr. Haa and I are making a lasagna, we're getting extra unlow, and I'm counting down the minutes until American Horror Story is on. I'm so freaking excited for it. Oh and I want to brag just a tiny bit. I HAD REALLY FUCKING AWESOME SEX THE OTHER NIGHT. It was hot and perfect and I was able to shut my mind the fuck up and come.