Here's an update to something that only I have been pondering and mulling over and twisting around in my brain. But I need to share, because when you meet someone who is so very important to you, and you desperately want them to be a part of your life, and then you think that you have or will lose them, and then they admit that maybe they feel the same way about you, but circumstances keep you apart, and then suddenly you spend the most amazing evening and night with them, and they admit that they too feel you're so very important to them and they too so desperately want you to be a part of their life . . . well it's good to look back and remind yourself that, well, sure, you are and have been completely delusionally optimistic, and maybe in denial to a certain extent, but it's also been endearing and practical, and it's real. It's all real. I haven't clung onto a fantasy. There's someone in this world who thinks about me and cares about me and closes his eyes every night with me on his mind. And maybe circumstances still aren't ideal and maybe they're painful and maybe things won't work out for us in the end, but all the feelings are real. That's huge. And I'm grateful.

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I'm having trouble figuring out if I'm delusionally optimistic, practically optimistic, endearingly optimistic, or in denial.

Also, I just did something very small but rash.

I don't want to accept and I want to hope.