Conversations I have had in the last 48 hours:

Me: Hi, I’m calling to find out why my gas bill is more than twice what it used to be when I used gas daily, despite my having zero usage.

Gas company: That’s because we charge a daily customer fee for every day you don’t use gas!

Me: The non-usage fee costs more than actually using gas?

Gas company: It’s perfectly standard.

Me: Okay. Please close my account immediately.

Gas company: We can’t do that for another two weeks, and yes, we will be charging you for every one of those days!

*******

Cable/internet company: Hi! We’re calling to tell you that your package is coming to an end, and your bill is going to go up. But we can offer you a new, better package for what your bill is going up to anyway!

Me: How much is my bill going up? Can I move to a lower package?

Cable company: $20 a month, and no, this is the best we have. You’ll be paying the extra money either way — this way you’ll just get more for it.

Me: Okay, I guess if I have no other choice...

Cable company: Okay, I’ve made those changes, and your new monthly bill will be [rate more than $100 higher than I’m currently paying].

Me: WTF? You said it was $20 more!

Cable company: Yeah, sorry, I was totally wrong about that. Enjoy your new service!

*stab stab stab*

I THINK I got the cable thing sorted — I called customer service and raised holy hell and they said they put me back to my previous package at the same rate for another year, though we shall see. But there’s nothing I can do about the gas bullshit, so I am still rage filled!

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