I'm gonna start a really dumb project, guise. Whenever I feel like it, I'm gonna watch a random movie I've never seen and give you the play by play, blaze by blaze.
This week: Cool World starring Brad Pitt and voiced by Kim Basinger from 1992. Amazon's description, "A comic strip vamp seeks to seduce her cartoonist creator in order to cross over into the real world."
- Ok first off, I haven't even smoked yet and I'm already tripped out that I found this in Amazon Prime's FOR KIDS section! I remember being 10 years old when this came out and wanting to see it, because even then I knew that this was not a movie appropriate for kids. I'm gonna take a hit every time I see something that's decidedly not kid friendly.
- The intro music makes me feel like I'm in a gay bar, where the dress code is strictly mesh and leather. It's also really long. Did I skip to the end credits by accident?
- It takes place in the 40s? Oh yeah, it's when noir was everywhere. Thanks, Dick Tracy!
- Drinking and driving, a head on motorcycle collision, PTSD flash, and a dead mom in a 2 minute timespan? HIT.
- They cut to the cartoon world with no warning or explanation and the guy who was dying is now up and walking around like it's not fucked up that he's talking to cartoons. Dude, your mother just died. Now is not the time for slapstick.
- How are we suddenly in 1992?
- Prisoner talking to his gross sexy cartoon drawing he did himself? HIT.
- Sexy cartoon lady gyrating in a club full of horny wolves? This movie has a gross amount of side boob. HIT.
- How long is this movie? I don't think I'm gonna last.
- I'm skipping this hit, but sexy cartoon lady is a prostitute/showgirl/prostitute showgirl who has a pimp. A PIMP! WTF AMAZON PRIME!
- Absolutely zero of the slapstick cartoony things have anything to do with the storyline.
- Oh shit, this movie is hypersexual! She just touched herself in front of real life Brad Pitt and now she's sitting on the corner of her bed spread eagle.
- So the cartoonist in 1992 was in jail for murdering his wife's lover and he got, 30 seconds of jail time for it.
- More cartoon sex workers.... great. Since women can't be objectified nearly enough, lets also rob them of all but 2 dimensions!
- I think I'm starting to freak out. I just checked my fly when the cartoon sex worker flew out of that man's crotch. I'm wearing pajama pants.
- Even animated, that bodysuit looks like it's giving her a wedgie.
- I wonder if my pickled garlic is ready. Mmmm pickled garlic.
- I can't keep up with this movie hit for hit. I'm gonna stop and smoke like normal.
- Wait, so the guy who landed in Cool World in the 1940's immediately knows the guy from 1992?
- NOIDS DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH DOODLES.
- Are there enough humans in Cool World to warrant having a human owned dry cleaners for Brad Pitt's suit? It must be hard to clean with doodle water. Heehee, doodle water!
- Fuck, I want Reese's Oreos right now.
- I'm halfway through this movie and there is yet to be a plot.
- The effects in this movie are hilariously shitty.
- Is this supposed to take place over one evening? Holly Wood has already had 3 cartoon costume changes.
- *Giving myself a head massage*
- Cartoon/human orgasm. Gross. I'm too stoned for this shit.
- So I guess the consequences of cross dimensional sex is that she becomes human. Also, her clothes do too.
- I'm forwarding this movie 10 minutes, this is boring
- So now that she's human she dresses like Pollyanna.
- I still don't get how humans and cartoons travel through dimensions in this movie. Is it based on whenever Gabriel Byrne gets a boner?
- So... what was I gonna say? I forgot. This movie is so creepy and sexist I'm due for another hit. HIT.
- I need fizzy water. I'm not even putting this on pause, it's not worth it. And how aren't people losing their shit at as person turning into a cartoon in front of them? Politely applauding is not an appropriate response!
- My dog is really cute, guise!
- And now Brad Pitt is back in the normal world to arrest Gabriel Byrne. Isn't that outside of your jurisdiction?
- So Holly Wood wants to be real. But she's already real, so what does she need to do? What does she consider real? I don't get what the concept of real is anymore in this universe. Am I real?
- I don't know what happened, but it sure looks like that superhero looking cartoon guy is holding a giant sperm.
- You know what I love? Watching kids pretend to sleep. This has nothing to do with the movie, I just love how they suck at controlling their eyelids.
- Brad Pitt is a cartoon now, THE END.
TL;DR SHAME ON YOU FOR PUTTING THIS IN THE KIDS' SECTION, AMAZON!