TW sexual assault
I told big bird about my assaults today. We were arguing this morning. There was crying and yelling and "I hate yous" What we argued about isn't really important. He has his first therapy appointment tomorrow. Hopefully he will bring some things to my therapists attention that I haven't been brave enough to share with her yet. It sounds bad but sometimes I just need to be forced to talk about unpleasant things.
I ended up telling him about my assaults. I think he did alright in response. Better than I expected anyway. He told me that he was sorry that those situations happened. He called it rape right away. Which honestly relieved my fear that he wouldn't see why this was such a big deal to me still. I told him how I'd think about those situations when I wanted to beat myself up. I told him I blamed myself for them happening. He hugged me while I cried and rubbed my back. He told me it was rape culture that I blamed myself for being in a situation not able to give consent. That the guys should have known I was too drunk to consent to anything. That I was saying no when I removed their hands from my pants. That pulling your dick out and shoving someone's head down onto it without talking about it first is wrong in any situation. Being drunk wasn't an excuse for these things to happen.
I feel a million pounds lighter. I feel like maybe he understands my crippling self esteem issues a bit better. At the very least I am happy I opened up to him. I've been shutting myself out of the real world so much that even opening up to him has been nearly impossible. He knows it and it's a big source of contention in our relationship. I started this day feeling hopeless about our situation. This afternoon I feel much more optimistic about getting back to a place where we were each other's best friends and I would tell him everything.