So, my ex RVSPd on Facebook to a thing that I'm going to as well.

So I decided to look up his touring schedule online, to see whether he was even going to be in town. He's away for most of the year, and I mostly just pretend that he's out of town for good and I'm never going to see him again.

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But not only is he in town, he's got a few weeks off, so either he's going to be around, or Facebook will be full of his holiday pics.

And I may well run into him tomorrow. The last thing he said to me in person was 'I'm just going to go over to my mum's for a bit'. So I'm not feeling great about a potential random run in.

And then I came across some photos of his I haven't seen before (this laptop used to be a shared laptop), and like a big dope I looked through them.

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He's had a job touring around the country with a show most of the time we were together, for the last seven years. These photos were from a time when we'd broken up a few years ago (and got back together again. Yup, I did do that)

He looked so happy. I mean, it's kind of a dream job, travelling around for most of the year, with actors who are generally fun and exuberant, and get paid for it. It's a bonding experience, there's constantly new places and fun things to do. People meet up with friends they have in various towns, or invite friends along. It's constant parties, no bills, no chores, no real life to get in the way.

Nothing I had in my life could measure up to that. Nor could the life we had together compete with that. Back in real life there were sick cats, and rent and sometimes we fought.

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It was never planned ahead of time, so I could organise my life. A new tour would come up, and a week later he would be gone, just as winter hit, and I'd be on my own in house that had no fucking insulation for most of the rest of the year.

And when he'd come back he'd be depressed and I'd work so hard to cheer him up, but he was happy enough, just didn't have any of that to share with me.

And the thing is, the most fun I've had in my life was with him. I still think he's a fantastic person (although I do rather hate him at the moment). The life that we had, the home that we built were the good things in my life, that got me through the other crap. I think I never was to him what he was to me. The best things in our life couldn't measure up to the shiny life he had elsewhere.

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I kind of feel like after that breakup a few years ago, he only decided to get back together because he wanted to have children. He was going to stop touring so we could start a family. Except, at the last minute, he dumped me instead.

I feel like such a moron. And now I'm that cliche: a 33 year old single woman who's ready to have a baby yesterday.

My social life has been completely eroded. For the last half year he has been here, and unhappy, every day. First I wanted to spend time with him because I hadn't seen him for so long, then I got worn down too. And these cycles have been going on for years, so I've slowly and steadily lost a bunch of friends when I would disappear for months and months at a time.

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I miss my home, and my life, and I miss my ex. I don't really know what I'm going to do now, the plan I had for my life has been pretty much razed to the ground.

And I feel so stupid that I let myself get so far into something so fucked up, and that I let a relationship become such a huge part of my life that without it it feels demolished.

I'm sorry about the crazy long and probably fairly incoherent rant (it's so late here it's pretty much morning). I'm probably going to feel pretty stupid about this tomorrow too.