It seems I may have ADD/ADHD.

My new shrink evidently had a hunch before we even sat down, and based on my answers to his initial questions he seems almost convinced. I will know for sure next week.

The possibility of me having some type of attention deficit had occurred to me before, but then I kind of forgot about it (lol). I could list the many, many signs I display in my daily life, but the biggest one for me is the fact that I barely graduated high school and dropped out of college despite being, frankly, very intelligent. I’ve been thinking a lot about how none of my teachers ever realized that I was struggling in this way, and how they assumed I was just some smart kid who thought I was too cool to do my homework. It is incredibly frustrating to look back on now, especially because my attention deficit was likely overlooked because I’m a girl, and we all know it’s just spazzy little boys who have ADD/ADHD.

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Toward the end of my meeting with the shrink, he said something like, “If it ends up that this is ADD and we do begin treatment, this will change your life.” I told him I truly could not imagine functioning any differently than I do now. I don’t even know what that would look like. Maybe I’ll keep my house cleaner? Maybe I will talk less? Maybe I could even go back to school and finish my degree.

My one reservation is, of course, having to take medication. I have nothing against psychiatric medication, “Western medicine,” or anything like that. I love medicine! But my understanding is that most ADD/ADHD drugs are basically FDA-approved speed, right? That just seems so strange to me. But I will absolutely try anything this guy suggests, and I know there are things I can do besides take medication that will improve my overall daily functioning.

Anyway. It’s just weird being told, after functioning a certain way for 25 years - functioning in a way that complicates every aspect of my life, and was in fact a major contributor to the end of a relationship I valued more than anything - that there is a reason why, and a way to maybe fix it a little bit.