Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault, Date Rape. The following is 100% true to the best of my recollection. This event happened about 2 weeks ago, and this is the first I've written about it.

1.) "Well, maybe part of you WANTED it to happen, that's why you didn't say no."

Is that true, little girl inside of my adult self that was betrayed and hurt so badly? I didn't say no, but I did say stop, that really hurts, when he tried to put his dick in my ass. I did tell him, please, at least wear a condom, please at least use lubrication so it doesn't hurt so much. I did tell him many many times that I have Herpes 2, and an active breakout, if you do that you are gong to catch it for sure.

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He was supposed to take me out to breakfast, he took me to his apartment instead. I went in willingly, I sat on his bed willingly, and I kissed him willingly. The rest, I don't know....

But what I DO know is I didn't ever say 'no,' I didn't stand up or walk out of the room.

And I DO remember that I cried, I sobbed through the whole thing, the kissing, the touching, everything. I couldn't stop crying when he made me suck his cock, when he choked me, I sobbed uncontrollably when he asked me where he wanted to shoot is load, did i want the cum on my face, in my mouth? I DO remember burying my head in the pillow and sobbing.

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2.) "If he didn't actually stick his cock all the way inside of you and cum, than it isn't rape."

Well, he tried really hard to stick it in my ass, and left a pretty nasty bruise down there that bled for a day with his sharp nails. And I did have to suck his cock, twice. And I did cry the whole time. And i told him to please not stick it in my ass as it realy hurts without lube and I have Herpes so sex doesn't feel good at all.

But I didn't say no. Not once did I try to leave the bed. But I did cry the whole time.

3.) "Did you call the police? If you don't call the police, that makes you an accessory to every assault that man commits for the rest of his life. You are just as guilty as him if you don't report this. It's your duty."

Yes, one of my closest friends ranted on and on about what a terrible person I was for not going to the cops. But, Was i even raped? Was it assault? I never went to the hospital, I washed myself when I got home, there is no evidence. I went to his place willingly with the intention of making out a little. My word against his, plus I'd have the humiliation of filing a report, and we have mutual friends, i see this guy around a lot, I don't want to cause some crazy drama.

Oh yeah, and I never said the word 'No.' But I did cry, and I asked him to stop.

4.) "You're just doing this to hurt me, aren't you?"

That one was from my ex, now close friend, when I told him what really happened on my 'date' and how I intended to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, how I intended to end it all because, between him giving me Herpes, and the first real sexual encounter after him being this fucked up sex-assault-sort-of-near-rape-weirdness-inappropriate- humiliating-thing-that-I don't-know-what-to-call-it, I just really want to die. All i wanted was for someone to hold me, to care for me, to protect me, to love me, and all I got was heartbreak and unexpected forced sex acts.

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No, I'm not going to kill myself to punish you, my good ex now friend, I'm doing it to punish me for being a bad girl, for being so fucking stupid and naive and trusting, and most of all for letting myself be so fucking alone and friendless in this world for so long that any attention, any simulacrum of warmth and affection I am too scared to say 'No' to, even when it hurts so much.

I'll be OK, I always am in the end, I know now to be more cautious. But I feel just fucking awful, and so very very lonely. I long for someone to hold me while I cry myself to sleep at night. But there is no one to trust, no one to care.