I know I’ve been pretty absent lately, but I’ve just been lurking since my breakup with Mr. PKB.
I don’t regret that breakup at all. I got immediately happier and more myself afterwards, and although it was really hard, it was hard for some reasons I didn’t expect. Mostly because I felt so bad for how bad he must have felt, and because I realized I had been in that relationship for probably four years to long and wasted half my 20s on taking care of him.
Getting over it/through it has been complicated because one of the symptoms of issues was realizing I still had feelings for someone I’d been with right before Mr. PKB. He and I had a really intense relationship that tended to cycle between being super best friends who spent every moment together, then we’d date, then he’d get distant and break up with me, then we’d start sleeping together, rinse and repeat. When I left for Mr. PKB, I apparently broke his heart. I only found out he’d been in love with me five years later.
So seeing him again this spring made me realize my relationship really was over, and we starting talking all the time. Literally on the phone every day for hours, he came to see me for a lost weekend, we would text all the time, and I made plans to see him. I saw him. It sucked. He was distant and rude, and I felt crazy for making the trip. It felt the way it felt back in the day.
I spent a couple weeks processing and feeling like hell and heartbroken and talked to him this weekend, and he set a really firm boundary that we weren’t what I thought we were. He told me he didn’t expect my trip to be that long (I cleared the dates with him! And changed them based on his work schedule!) and that he didn’t expect me to be around so much (I literally told him I was going to spend the time sleeping, seeing friends, and walking around! Also asked him multiple times if he needed space!). It sucks. I never really got over him, and it got really clear in that conversation that it was never going to work out. He is always going to pull me in close when it works for him and requires no effort, and he is always going to push me away when shit hits the fan.
I thought things would be different. They’re not. And letting go of wanting to be with him is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.
At the same time, I’m not a fool. I was dating around and started a fwb situation with a friendly acquaintance. He started acting really boyfriend-y, and I started entertaining the notion that that might be something to think about. Then he propositioned me for threesome in a really shitty way and I had to cut things off. I told him I cared about him. He said nothing. We stopped sleeping together. Then last week he told me last week that the reason he doesn’t want to sleep with me anymore is because I’ve become a really good friend and he can’t do more and doesn’t want to lose the friendship. But also, wtf? Why would you not just say that at the time, or in the several weeks since I made myself vulnerable?
I don’t know why I keep choosing people who only want me a little, and then reject me by acting like dicks but not using their words. I feel so unloveable.
I’m also turning 30 next month, and my company forced me into an entry-level customer service job that I didn’t want but couldn’t turn down, so I’m having a “what the hell am I doing with my life, it is objectively worthless, what the fuck do I want” crisis right on schedule. So naturally I scheduled five Tinder dates in a row which is distracting but long-term not a solution.
Ultimately, I’m lonely. My depression is knocking on my door pretty hard, and my anxiety is through the roof. I hate my job, and I feel foolish and used and behind in life.
I called my therapist to set up an appointment, but internet hugs would be appreciated.