Some of you may remember my weekend pity party upon seeing my ex boyfriend from many years ago. He wrote a play, he's basically completely awesome, blah blah blah. So Saturday night I went to see the play and he said I should try out for this new play (not one he's involved with), the auditions were today. Well, long story short I still have all the feelings for him, despite the fact that I have a boyfriend.

Things with my boyfriend have been really rough these past few months anyway, as it's been long-distance. So I've been thinking back to how great this old flame was, even though he was way older than me, and the myriad of other reasons why it didn't work out in the first place.

I know it's stupid, but I still love him so much. It hurts. So this evening I stupidly tried out for the play he mentioned. I knew his most recent ex was directing it, but I figured, hey, she's a fellow ex now too, we'll get along fine.

So I gathered my courage and tried out for the first play that I've done in six years - I was nervous as hell but I do have a lot of experience, and apparently I knocked it out of the park, because I got a text two hours later saying I got the part that I wanted. Hooray, right?

Except not. Because turns out the director isn't an ex. They got back together recently. And now I can't stand the thought of looking at her, let alone being in this damn play.

Fuuuuuuck.

I confess, my main motivation for trying out was because I thought it might give me a chance to spend more time with my old flame. He asked me to marry him several years ago and I said no, and now I wish I hadn't. But I have a boyfriend (who, I have to be honest, in seven years has never made me feel so special or so loved as the old flame did). And he's dating this fucking director.

Now I have to decide whether to accept the role.

Why do I do this to myself? Why?