TW: Weight and food. Have a cat picture to take you to the jump:

I don't think there is a need, but no main page.

Disclaimer one: My experience is my own. It is not meant to describe anyone else. Each person's body is their own; and I am not in any way making any judgement on anyone else's body, weight, or diet.

Advertisement

Disclaimer two: I was a chubby kid, and most of my family ranges from overweight to obese, so I am sure genetics (and learned eating behaviors) play a part.

It's not that I don't know how to cook healthy food. It's not that I cannot afford to eat healthy food. It's not that healthy food isn't readily available to me. It's not that healthy food isn't satisfying or filling. I do not have a metabolic disorder or other medical condition nor do I take medication that causes me to gain weight. That I can do all on my own with no assistance.

As an adult I have gained and lost over 100 pounds - twice. I am now a month in to working towards losing it (after re-gaining it) for a third time. The last time, I kept it off for two years by eating healthily and exercising a LOT (8-15 hours a week).

Advertisement

I am fat now (and was fat before) because I overeat and what I overeat is crap food. It doesn't matter if am happy, sad, angry, content, tired, or frustrated - I overeat. I binge daily. Whole bags of chips, whole large pizzas, whole 1/2 gallons of ice cream. And I am sneaky about it. I don't eat much in front of people (no eating while fat in public!). I have three different delivery places that I rotate each week. I buy snacks at different stores throughout the week; the same for ice cream. I wash it down with Diet Coke, energy drinks, and coffee. Even when I am full, I will keep eating because I like the taste. Even when I know I won't be able to sleep because my stomach is so uncomfortable, I keep eating.

I have never been able to "just eat one" of anything sweet or fatty. Not cookies, not chips, not donuts. I will eat the entire package. Box of PopTarts? Yep, eat them all. Those lovely frozen cream puffs? Whole container in a sitting. Ciabatta loaf? Only question is slather it with butter or use dipping oil.

I could definitely stop at one stalk of broccoli or leaf of kale, or apple. No problem there! I remember my grandmother pointing out to me when I was about 8 that I had eaten more pizza than my grandfather at dinner. I was ashamed, but I still wanted more.

While I work a full-time (sometimes up to 60 hours a week) job, it is mostly sedentary. Once I get home, I sit. No activity level whatsoever.

Maybe it is a mental disorder, maybe someday scientists will discover there is something "wrong" in my brain that makes me keep eating; I don't know.

I do know that I can change it. I have proof having done it before. (I have no proof that I can sustain it.) My trigger this time to get back on track was my impending overseas adventure. I want to be able to walk and do all the things I want to do without falling over from exhaustion. Currently I cannot walk up the stairs to my apartment without getting wildly out of breath. I don't want to spend my life sitting. I don't want my knees to ache with any movement. I don't want to be relegated to shopping for clothes online and crossing my fingers that something will fit and not look like a potato sack.

Advertisement

One month after buying my tickets for my trip, I am drinking only water. I am eating only home-cooked, healthy, meals (plenty of veggies, legumes, lean meats, whole grains) three times a day. If I snack, it is nuts and fruit. The first week was misery coming off the caffeine, but since then it's been okay. I sleep better, my skin is clearer, and I've lost 7% of my body weight. This week, I am adding moderate exercise. Will it be sustainable this time? I can't say. I can only say that it's up to me.